Here is the thing, learning and doing something new has a cost. It takes time, it takes effort and sometimes it really sucks. When I have been in the hospital for 32 hours and I still have homework and medical treatments to do when I get home, things start to fall through the cracks. Adam and I rarely see each other, my time to practice, read or meditate have been condensed or forgotten some days. I signed up for a really tough year, and I didn’t fully realize how much it was going to cost. I also have no idea where the process will take me. I don’t know what will survive the extra stress. I know that I will learn a lot, I know I will learn things that will serve me in my life but right now I feel the cost.
Right now the things I have to brag about are that I keep getting up, I keep driving to work and I keep pushing myself to go into those patient’s rooms and learn. I find myself feeling down when I look at Facebook, look at all these amazing people that I don’t have the time to go see. Adam continues to remind me, this is only for a year, but I still needed to find some self care.
I needed to find some creative outlet that was not theological discussion, that was not making meaning and purpose out of a tough visit, that was not thinking of different ways I could’ve handled the situation. I went out of my comfort level and signed up for a doodling and dance class. It was exactly what I needed, the space and invitation to be creative but with prompts to help guide that.
I find myself in a part of the process where I feel I don’t know if it will be worth it, where I am trusting in something bigger then me. Trusting that however this year ends up transforming me in such a way that will continue to serve me and those around me. That I might have to squeeze in self care into small moments, small classes and reach out of my comfort zone when my schedule allows. But I also need to be really gentle with myself, to remember that I am worth the time to take that class, that I don’t need to bring my computer everywhere to squeeze in a few minutes of reading or homework. That somehow, I need to discover who else I am.
Question of the day: How do you make time for just yourself? Name something from this week that inspired you, gave you a bit of respite or helped you connect to yourself.