Before I start writing I take a moment to pause, to listen to my breath and center myself. I ask for some guidance and illumination. Writing is therapeutic for me, it is one way that I start to work things out. It is one way that I claim what is going on and clarify the next steps I need to take. It sounds like this beautiful linear process.
I have been very sick, and still waiting for tests to help understand what is going on. I spent a week at home sick, a week in the hospital and I am still home sick. I am learning to eat and drink again, learning to slowly move and stretch again. It takes work. In fact, today is the first time I went outside by myself in weeks.
It is embarrassing, to go from sixty to zero and not know when I will be back to full speed again. It is frustrating, discouraging and isolating. However, it is still part of the human experience, and I am doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. What does that look like right now?
I eat very slowly, take frequent naps and set a timer for walking around the apartment. I use a lot of self-talk to remind me that it is hard to see progress sometimes, to remind myself I am worth all this extra work, to remind myself that everything changes. Despite all of that I am still left with these feelings of inadequacy and weakness, so I cry.
Healing is not a linear process, life is not a linear process; we are all learning as we go along and sometimes we are just left with mystery. I am in such a rush to take something and make it into something better, but these are the moments that call for patience. These are the moments when I don’t know what I am working with, so I can’t start to transform it yet. Right now, I am just patiently taking that step in front of me hoping it goes up but not knowing for sure.
Question of the day: What is the step in front of you right now? Baby steps, we are all in this together.