Recently when my body started hurting, when I started to have irregular bleeding, and my doctor began requesting me to repeat ultrasounds to monitor ovarian cysts, I could've chosen to go back to the old pattern of hating my body, of feeling like my body was attacking me, feeling betrayed. Instead I kept doing my work and living my life, unfortunately the pain and the bleeding increased. So I decided to go visit a surgeon to get more information.
Today I am headed into surgery, to remove the cysts that have been contributing to my discomfort for the last couple of years. As I began to prepare for the surgery, it brought up a lot of emotions relating to my last surgeries and left me asking myself again "what does it mean to be a woman?" I realized I still don't have a reasonable answer for that question.
Therefore I will stick to an unreasonable answer to that question, I am a woman because I was born to be one. I have gotten the chance to be the little princess, the drama queen teenager, the blushing bride, the bitter infertile, a mother and so many other facets of being a woman. I know that I have not gotten the chance to raise a biological child, however when I get to sit with children at work, when I am sitting with my hospice patients, I get to experience that nurturing side, that unconditional love, which is what we all crave from a mother.
I am chosing this time to see this surgery, the pain, the journey to heal as a blessing. I am so grateful that I will heal, that I will continue to discover new parts of myself and that I will be able to help people. There are plenty of times where I am screaming in pain, where I am gritting my teeth, or freaking out about what is happening and then I remember what a gift my life is, what it has been. I don't intend to miss out on so much again, by focusing on loss, or what I can't do. I am grateful for what I can do and I look forward to exploring how to heal my body using new tools. I look forward to teaching my yoga class as I get back to normal and showing them it isn't always perfect. At the same time it is ALWAYS perfect.