Thursday, April 30, 2015

May Third

Has it already been a year?  Has it really been three years since I started this blog.  I started with the simple focus, to find something that made me smile every day.   To look for the good in my life, despite or maybe inspite of all the pain and difficulty that life seemed to be.    

I find it difficult to keep the perspective about how far I have come in the last three years.   I find it very  difficult to see the changes that I have been through in the past year as I explored healing and teaching.   I still find myself worrying before each yoga class, I still find myself questioning if I will be enough in the moment with the people that I work with.  Yet I continue to teach classes, I continue to visit with my patients, and I even accept new offers to practice my skills.  I think I expected that at one point it would be easy.  I would simply feel like I knew what I was doing and then I would be enough.   

Life continues to throw curve balls and more challenges so that I never quite feel like I know what I am doing.  So maybe I just need to learn to accept that I am enough simply because I am me.  I can accept that my training has prepared me to be whatever the situation requires.   More importantly I need to let go of the expectation that life needs to be a certain way.  That it needs to be flawless, that falling down means I am bad.  Sometimes falling down is what is needed, I love to hear my students laugh when I lose my balance in a pose.   I enjoy it when someone offers me a helping hand, though is it difficult to accept.  

Now comes the time when I decide if I want to continue my blog, what I will focus on in the upcoming year and just a good time to decide what I want to cultivate in my life.   The beautiful thing about adjusting the focus, is I am just adding to what I practice, I still look for the things that make me smile everyday, I still look for creativity, and I am still exploring healing.  

Question to consider: What are you focusing on right now?   What do you want in your life?

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Prayers

I was camping in Yosemite last week with limited communication, for most of the trip I turned off my cell service and just used my phone to take photos.  However at one point I did have limited service and I received some cryptic messages from friends and family.  All of them were along the lines of:  "Thinking about you, so sad about Nepal."

My curiosity was peaked however I had limited communication and didn't want to run around attempting to find a better signal.  So I waited until we were back on the road to check the news.  

The mix and intensity of the emotions that surged up when I saw the news about the earthquake is too difficult to put into words.   Even now I am still not quite sure what I am feeling as I wait to hear from friends, as I wait to find out about travel plans basically as I wait for some sort of information.   

I know that the monks at the monastery are safe, they are sleeping outside and here is a photo of them saying their prayers.  I also know it will be okay, I know that it has been heart warming to watch people come together to help.  I have been shocked by how many people have called or messaged me to find out about the monastery.  

The past couple of days when I find myself in Nepal, I feel ease.  I have always felt so peaceful there and even though the people are hurting and scared I still feel that peace.  The love and peace still exist in the storm that is going on right now.  

I encourage you as the media posts photos of the "disaster."  To look for the people lending a helping hand, the people that are happy to be there, to be lending a hand.  Creation and destruction are a cycle, where is your focus right now?

Question to consider:  If you find yourself emotional about everything that is going on in the news, how can you use that emotion to do something?   Right now I will be patient and wait.   

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The dreaded question...

When I meet new people, there is a question that I dread to answer, ever since I left working at the hospital.  "What do you do?"  I find this to be especially uncomfortable when I am at a function associated with Adam's work.   I still feel the need to say "I used to...."   I feel the need to establish, that I am a person with multiple degrees and experience in the scientific field.  Really the truth is that it is not easy to define what exactly I do now, how I fill my days.   I am not earning pay check, I am not raising a family and so it is difficult for me to quanitfy my worth.  

I have discovered, that the judgement I worry about never happens.  Once I get over my inital giggle, and start talking about the different things I am passionate about, people either ask questions or move on.    The judgement about worth is an internal dialogue, that exists only in my head.  

However I struggle, I struggle to accept my place in the world.  It is not really that different from when I did work in the lab, I still dreaded the question.   Because I felt like I wasn't doing enough, that I needed to do more.   

One difference between Lenore of two years ago and the Lenore that is writing today is that I spend more of my time doing what I love, even if it doesn't always feel good.   I approach things, like a 15 mile run as something I get to do, something I am choosing to do because I see how it will help my with my goals.  When I approach tasks in that state, I am able to find what I love in anything I do.

Does this mean I do this all the time?   Ummmm....no!  I fight and resist and struggle.  I worry about people asking questions before they are even verbalized, in other words I worry about things that don't even exist.  So I will continue to stumble through those dreaded questions and in life, because I would much rather be out in the world than hiding.

Question to consider: What is your "dreaded" question?   

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Love songs

I have this amazing yoga teacher in my life, Kim.   I am fortunate enough to be able to take one of her women's classes on Thursday pretty often.  It is a class that is so special and unique, that I do everything I can to make her class.  Which sometimes involves leaving early or arriving a bit late, she simply embraces it all.  

There was one class in particular when we were laying down in savasana, that she began playing a love song.  She told us to imagine singing that song to ourselves.  I do not remember the particular song, I remember the tears that came out of my eyes and the way that I struggled with the particular exercise.  

I am a pretty loving person, I tend to give a lot of myself to others.  I am pretty accepting of other people, including their "dark" sides.  However I tend to be extremely hard on myself, even to the point where I make up stories to collaborate the ways I am not good, not enough.  (I am sure I am completely alone in this and no one can relate to this feeling.....that was sarcasm by the way.)   I was recently given some homework from one of my teachers to write down five things I am grateful for, things that I do for myself, things about myself; and I still don't understand the assignment.   I keep writing things down though, and maybe one day I will learn, maybe one day they will get more creative.

Today I challenged myself.  A song I absolutely love popped up on my pandora station, and so I paused it.  I sang the entire song outloud to myself looking in the mirror.   (Okay so sometimes I made eye contact, sometimes I was looking anywhere else.)   I stayed in that space for the entirety of the song, singing a love song simply to myself.  

Maybe this is an example of "fake it til you make it."   Maybe this is an example of me being goofy and playing.   Maybe this was just a way for me to figure out that even in the briefest moments, I can look myself in the eye, stare into my soul and say "every little thing she does is magic."   Change starts with a moment.

Question to consider: What love song is in your heart?  What will you sing to yourself?   

  

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Oops!

I forgot my Sterling Sunday photo and I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I wanted to share this photo, and break a rule of my blog.

I love my cuddle time with Sterling, just like I love playing with him, walking him, watching him play, just taking care of this little guy (I am including the sleepless nights and cleaning up the many, many messes).   He reminds me all the time that things aren't such a big deal, seriously the pup tore his ACL and is pouting when I leave to go on my runs in the morning, which means I get to schedule extra time to take him for a little bit of a walk.   

He is my little healer, not only does he help me when something is going on, he reminds me how easily healing can happen if the simple things are taken care of.  Sterling knows how to take care of his body, he eats, drinks, sleeps, rests, relaxes and plays.   When all of those things are taken care of healing happens and a torn ACL isn't such a big deal to a little tiny pup.   

He can serve as a constant reminder of how important foundation is and taking care of yourself.   Of course he is still a grumpy old man, so just because your foundation is solid it doesn't automatically mean the personality will change.   

Question to consider:  What reminds you of the importance of taking care of yourself?