Thursday, April 16, 2015

The dreaded question...

When I meet new people, there is a question that I dread to answer, ever since I left working at the hospital.  "What do you do?"  I find this to be especially uncomfortable when I am at a function associated with Adam's work.   I still feel the need to say "I used to...."   I feel the need to establish, that I am a person with multiple degrees and experience in the scientific field.  Really the truth is that it is not easy to define what exactly I do now, how I fill my days.   I am not earning pay check, I am not raising a family and so it is difficult for me to quanitfy my worth.  

I have discovered, that the judgement I worry about never happens.  Once I get over my inital giggle, and start talking about the different things I am passionate about, people either ask questions or move on.    The judgement about worth is an internal dialogue, that exists only in my head.  

However I struggle, I struggle to accept my place in the world.  It is not really that different from when I did work in the lab, I still dreaded the question.   Because I felt like I wasn't doing enough, that I needed to do more.   

One difference between Lenore of two years ago and the Lenore that is writing today is that I spend more of my time doing what I love, even if it doesn't always feel good.   I approach things, like a 15 mile run as something I get to do, something I am choosing to do because I see how it will help my with my goals.  When I approach tasks in that state, I am able to find what I love in anything I do.

Does this mean I do this all the time?   Ummmm....no!  I fight and resist and struggle.  I worry about people asking questions before they are even verbalized, in other words I worry about things that don't even exist.  So I will continue to stumble through those dreaded questions and in life, because I would much rather be out in the world than hiding.

Question to consider: What is your "dreaded" question?   

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