Monday, June 29, 2015

Year Four

I finished my third year of my blog, and was ready to call it a day.  Writing was becoming tiresome, it was becoming something I "had" to do.  Which is part of the reason I wrote less often, I started to write in the blog only when something spoke to me.  As I thought about a new focus for the upcoming year, I was pretty blank.

I was distracted by work and by upcoming travel plans that were constantly in a state of flux.  I just let the blog fall away, and thought it might just fade away into something I did once.   As I filled my life up with more and more, maybe this would become less significant.  

Then I went to Greece for three weeks.   I went to attend a yoga teacher training, and between the hours of yoga and theory, I started writing in my journal a lot.  I started reading a book for fun, and my reactions to it provided inspiration to journal out my feelings that came up during the teacher training.  

I came back home, looking to cultivating a personal physical practice.  To explore what it was like to find my inner teacher, to find inspiration within myself.   To not rely on classes for my practice, instead to explore the teachings I had been given.  To go deeper with them, instead of constantly adding more.  I started to feel like always adding more was letting gems of wisdom slip away, areas that I wanted to explore get covered up by this need to "know" more.    

I set my alarm earlier, and started to see what happened.  It has not been smooth, it has been really rough, to find that teacher.   She is there, I just need to get silent enough to hear her.

One morning I walked back downstairs after my practice and I had this thought.   This thought started as a whisper, and got much louder.   As I wondered what to focus on, as I was struggling to figure out how to juggle everything I wanted to do.  I walked down the stairs one at a time, and thought "damn it."   I tend to have the reaction when something clicks, when I know what to do and I may not feel ready to do it.  I have also learned that the rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, and general anxiety leave when I make a move.

So this fourth year is dedicated to finding, listening to and speaking my voice.  More importantly it will be dedicated to exploring what that means.   On June 29th, 2016  the fourth year will be up.   

Question to consider:  Have you found your voice?  

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Enough, enough, enough...

A very good friend of mine told me to "enjoy paradise."    Halfway through the teacher training, my joints are aching, my emotions are a mess, and the amount of information coming at me is staggering.  So I sat down in the middle of class today to write, to ask myself the question.   "How can I see myself as enough?"   

How do I see myself as enough when I feel completely overwhelmed and small?   I feel like most moments in class I am constantly making adjustments to my body, rotating body parts in opposite directions, beginning to grasp that there is a difference between tension and stretching, between relaxation and collapsing.   (Note I still don't know what those differences might be, just beginning to grasp that there is a difference.)   So I was standing in a warrior pose and making adjustment after adjustment, scanning my body and I realized that I might would never be in the "perfect" warrior pose. For me that instantly meant that I would never be enough, that I might as well quit, because the mountain is way too high.

So I sat down on my mat and wrote and cried a little.  A voice came into my head, "you only need enough energy for the next step."   So I accepted in that moment that my next step was getting my thoughts out of my head on to the paper and breathing.  The warrior pose could wait, the next pose in the sequence could wait, even my writing could wait, breath could not wait.   

So I began some self inquiry to figure out when and where I felt like "enough"  the past couple of days. Since nothing came to mind, I simply decided that I am too tired, too zoomed in on the situation to grasp perspective right now and went back to my breath.

I would love to say that breathing fixxed it, and I suddenly felt happy and enough and all those other good things.  The reality is that breathing just helped remind me that my heart was beating, and the ground was beneath me.  Sometimes that is ENOUGH...

Question of the Day:  I tend to link "enough" and this bizzare idea of perfection I have in my head.  When do you see that you are enough in your life?   

Friday, June 5, 2015

Jumping ahead

A good friend posted a quote on Facebook one day "Don't judge your beginning by someone's esle's middle."   I have been feeling very intimidated the past couple of days watching the yoga teachers that I am taking a training from.    I keep thinking if I will learn enough in these three weeks to be able to teacher more effectively.  I keep wondering how I will remember all the information, three weeks just doesn't seem like enough time to learn all the information.    Then I noticed the key words in those thoughts "ALL and ENOUGH."    

I tend to jump ahead to the future, to imagine that there is not possible way I will be able to do what these teachers do.  (I am not referring the the physical poses, but to the way that they describe how to make the pose more comfortable.  It is about the way that they teach and transmit information.)    Then I take a step back and remember to come back to where I am.   To be present fully and receive the gift that the teachers are giving me.  To stay in the present.

To trust that I am enough in this moment.  I am present and ready to learn, the rest will unfold as it will.  So I want to change my language from intimidated to inspired.   That is a much more useful description for what I want in my life.   I want to see other people and be insipred and not feel intimidated and small.

Question of the day:  Who intimidates you?  Can you descibe that situation with different language?

Reading paragraphs

Everything feels different and I don’t know if that is okay.   What I mean by that is I don’t know if it meets other people’s expectations...