However yesterday I had a very interesting experience that finally solidified a lesson that I have been hearing for years. A phrase that I never really understood. "If you want love, give it." That paradoxical idea that to recieve you also need to give. My nature is to be a very giving person, and so when I didn't feel "loved" I was pretty confused by that statement.
Yesterday I was in an excruciating amount of pain, and really wanted nothing more than for Adam to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. However I observed myself literally walking away from him when he tried to give me a hug. It was like I was on automatic pilot, completely closed, not receptive and definately not giving any affection or even explanation, for why I was cowering from a hug, when I really wanted a hug. Thankfully I have an extraordinarily patient husband that understood the situation was not about him and he was able to give me some space.
I realized watching myself in that moment, that I was unable to recieve his hug or kind words, because I wasn't giving love to him, or even to myself. My mind has a pattern of sending me into a downward spiral, and though I have gotten better at breaking this pattern and observing the pattern, there are still moments when I am at the bottom of a well. Something that is not real has convinced me that I am not enough, that I can never be enough, and leaves me to sit with those thoughts on repeat. So even though my mind is not real, it still throws ripples into the pond.
So sometimes when I want a hug the most I won't accept it. Sometimes I just need a little time to remember to love myself, to give that love that is always present. Today was a day for me to accept that sometimes I will be at the bottom of the well, and that is okay. It doesn't mean I am bad, or a failure it is just a pattern, and the more I notice it the better I will get at breaking it. Harmony will return, because it is always present in the here and now.