Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Belief

Adam and I recently had a discussion the other day.  I was feeling pretty poorly, still have a difficult time beating an infection and I don't allow myself enough time to recover.   My tank is running low or on empty and as soon as I feel a little bit of energy, I immediately go on full speed.  It is no wonder that my body pretty much failed this weekend, and I got hit with body aches and a horrible migraine.   

I have not had a migraine like that in years, and I suddenly felt like the Lenore from years ago.  I felt defined by my pain physical and emotional and I felt defined by unhappiness.  I felt like all the work I was doing to get "better" didn't matter.  I actually cried in my doctor's office because I had finally had enough.  Adam insisted that I was a completely different person, that I was handling the pain differently, that I was using different language, and I was still functioning in my life.  

I don't have his perspective.  I don't see what he sees, and I have difficulty trusting what he tells me.  I am sure no one else can relate to the problem of people telling you, "You are doing great."  While you feel like an awkard ball of goo.  

These are the moments when the teachings come together.  When you tell yourself, that learning something new is just like learning to walk.   It is awkward, you fall down a lot, you cry, you end up bruised;  in the end I don't even remember learning to walk.  I don't remember those bumps and bruises, I don't even remember the moment that "I got it."  Eventually I was walking and growing into learning new skills.   

As an adult I feel like I search for that "Eureka moment"  the moment that things come together and I understand.  Even if the understanding goes away, I know I had it for a second.   Since I am searching for that, I must believe it exists, I must trust that I will experience it, otherwise I would search for something else.  

As I go about this new search, this new endeavor, I will either experience it or not.  One way or another I will have an answer and a new question all at the same time.  

Question to consider: What are you searching for right now?  What do you believe exists? 

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