Here I was with my sequence and all of my ideas, and a group of women that were eager to play. So I started with breathing. Mostly to make sure that I kept my breathing, that I took a moment to remember whatever thoughts and story was going through my head of not being enough, didn't matter at that moment.
I finished the class and wasn't sure how it went. My attention quickly went to the future. I was subbing a class at the studio, and thankfully I accepted last minute so I only had an hour and a half to try to talk myself out of it.
I got to the next class, forgot my mat in the car but I still had my notes. That carefully planned out sequence... This might sound crazy, but at one point I realized that I was teaching. I realized had left the carefully planned out sequence and was listening to what the students had commented that they wanted to work on so I began to panic internally. I suddenly felt how much of myself I was sharing with these students.
I was up there to share my practice, to share what I do. I don't quite know how to explain it, I felt completely exposed, naked even. I spend so much time practicing by myself, in the early mornings, that suddenly I felt like I was on display. I wanted to run away, so many times during the class I wanted to run away. I wanted to look around for someone else to take over, to look for the person that knew better, the person with more.... When I realized there was just me, things got more uncomfortable for me. I kept going, not knowing what was going to come next.
I wondered if I was going to have a panic attack, and so I continued to share my practice. I went with what I thought might calm me down, what would settle me down. This honestly created the feeling of more vunerability, because it was a true test of my practice. It was one of those "I hope this works." moments.
Even with all that discomfort, I signed up to start teaching another regular class. (Next week I go from teaching 1 regular class a week to 4, with random ones thrown in.)
Because the universe opened up some doors for me when I asked to find my voice. These are the doors that I noticed and these are the doors I will walk through and see what I find on the other side.
Question to consider: When you want to run away screaming, what do you do to stay on task?