Thursday, August 6, 2015

Stumbling

Here I am getting settled to teach a class, at a studio to some of my dearest friends and mentors.  To say that I freaked out when one of my favorite teachers in the whole world wanted to learn from me would be a complete understatement.  Nevertheless, I showed up, with props!   

Here I was with my sequence and all of my ideas, and a group of women that were eager to play.  So I started with breathing.   Mostly to make sure that I kept my breathing, that I took a moment to remember whatever thoughts and story was going through my head of not being enough, didn't matter at that moment.  

I finished the class and wasn't sure how it went.  My attention quickly went to the future.  I was subbing a class at the studio, and thankfully I accepted last minute so I only had an hour and a half to try to talk myself out of it.  

I got to the next class, forgot my mat in the car but I still had my notes.   That carefully planned out sequence...   This might sound crazy, but at one point I realized that I was teaching.  I realized had left the carefully planned out sequence and was listening to what the students had commented that they wanted to work on so I began to panic internally.  I suddenly felt how much of myself I was sharing with these students.  

I was up there to share my practice, to share what I do.   I don't quite know how to explain it, I felt completely exposed, naked even.  I spend so much time practicing by myself, in the early mornings, that suddenly I felt like I was on display.  I wanted to run away, so many times during the class I wanted to run away.  I wanted to look around for someone else to take over, to look for the person that knew better, the person with more....   When I realized there was just me, things got more uncomfortable for me.   I kept going, not knowing what was going to come next.   

I wondered if I was going to have a panic attack, and so I continued to share my practice.  I went with what I thought might calm me down, what would settle me down.  This honestly created the feeling of more vunerability, because it was a true test of my practice.  It was one of those "I hope this works." moments.   

Even with all that discomfort, I signed up to start teaching another regular class.  (Next week I go from teaching 1 regular class a week to 4, with random ones thrown in.) 

WHY?   

Because the universe opened up some doors for me when I asked to find my voice.   These are the doors that I noticed and these are the doors I will walk through and see what I find on the other side. 

Question to consider:  When you want to run away screaming, what do you do to stay on task?  

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