Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Love is....

Language tends to be a big obstacle for me.  I have trouble communicating how I am feeling, I don't always feel safe to let people know that I need to rest, that I want some time away.  I have written in previous posts about how the mind lies.  How it is can be vicious, and how for me it seems like a constant chatter.

Since I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness, I have really struggled with what words to use.  Adam hates it when I say that I am sick, and at first for me it was necessary to say that I was sick, otherwise I would keep pushing myself and not take the time to really get better.  But now, that word doesn't fit.  I feel sick a lot of the time, my energy is low and I feel a lot of pain.  But I am not just one thing.  I am not just someone that doctors gave a label to, I am not just someone that is struggling with everyday activities on certain days, I am not just someone that feels great and happy.  I am all of those things and more at any given moment.

However I still really struggle with language.  This past weekend Adam and I went to visit some friends this weekend, and words like "burden, selfish, helpless, high maintenance, inconvienent, demanding, difficult...ect" kept coming up.  Then Tuesday morning I read an article about a woman that was diagnosed with cancer and she decided to define what love was.   It completely changed my state, and I decided I needed to do the same thing.  After all who else can define what love is, what love looks like to me other then me.   

Love is my friends taking 30 minutes to look for a restaurant that is safe and comfortable for me to eat at.

Love is my husband understanding that I can't eat with him at the airport because the sight and smell of food is making me feel sick and stressed.

Love is my friends being willing to try new things because it is safer for me to eat, for them to go out of their way to ensure the ingredients are the best possible even if they are more expensive.

Love is my husband going to pick up the dog after a long day of work so that I can rest just a little bit longer.

Love is my best friend sending me videos and photos as she runs races that I wanted to be running with her.  It is her dedicating her miles to me, and her continuing to cheer me on even when I cancel at the last minute.  

Love is anyone understanding that sometimes I just need to rest and sleep, even if it is on their couch five minutes after I walk in the door.   It is them letting me sleep even though they want to spend to time with me.

Love is someone making a meal for me, and just being happy that I am keeping them company as they do all the work.  

Love is my husband remembering what time your doctor's appointments are so that he can send me a sweet message at the perfect time.

Love is me listening to my body and resting, sleeping and speaking up if something is going to help.

Love is me communicating with my medical team and asking for more lidocaine instead of just accepting that procedures are going to be painful.  It is me realizing that not all the pain is necessary, and in fact it helps them to treat me better, it is information, not complaining.  

Love is the friend that sends me messages every couple of days asking me to lunch and checking in with me.  And when I respond that eating out is difficult, he reminds me that the food is not the important part, he just wants to see me and make sure I am doing alright.  

Love is sometimes just crying because of the pain or stress or whatever, no matter if I am in the grocery store, a plane, anywhere.   It is letting the emotions go instead of hanging on to them because I am worried about what people will think.  

I could continue to go on people have really flooded me with love the past couple of months.  And if I am honest, my entire life.  I am very loved and treasured by the people in my life and I feel the same way about them, I treasure the people in my life.  

Question of the day:  What is love?

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