Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Expectations

Expectations kicked my butt the first morning Adam and I were in Taos.  When we decided to go travel and to experiment and figure out how to travel and manage my health, I approached it with my normal attitude and just assumed I would be able to power through.  "Just keep going". Which my little mind turns into push it until you have nothing left, push it until I collapse from mental, emotional or physical exhaustion.   Again I continue to struggle with the concept of enough is, enough, and to speak up when enough is enough.  

Adam and I walked into a breakfast place, and I immediately felt like I did not want to eat there.  However, I didn't feel like it was okay to speak up, because we had already put so much effort into finding a place we thought I might be able to eat.  Breakfast in New Mexico used to be my favorite meal, green chile burritos were a staple growing up, and they are a huge treat when my Dad makes them for us when we come to Albuquerque to visit.  So realizing that the cost of eating green chile, eggs, flour might be too much to pay feels isolating.    

So I ordered something off the menu, and sat in the booth with Adam forcing myself to hold back tears, until they just kept spilling over.  As my emotions just continued to build and my frustration to communicate became an issue eventually I had to take a break from being around Adam.   So I walked, and found that there was no way to run away from myself, from my emotions.   After stopping at a grocery store I called Adam and said I just needed to cry,  he said he would hold me.  That it is okay that I want to cry sometimes, that language is so difficult for me, that I don't need to tell him why.  I can just ask him to hold me while I cried.  

So instead of going out hiking, and getting out in nature we drove back to our hotel.   Adam made me a blanket fort in front of the fire, and held me while I cried, while I muttered nonsense and eventually fell asleep.

We spent the day exploring different places and finding an ice cream shop with local, high quality ingredients that also served lunch and I felt comfortable eating.   We didn't get out and go hiking, the day had other plans for us and in the end it was a wonderful day.  However I woke up the next morning still having difficulty, still upset that we didn't get out hiking or make it to Pueblo.  Because my mind continues to spin this story that I am an inconvenience and burden to Adam, that he is not able to do as much as he wants because taking care of me holds him back.   (I don't hear him tell me, that the most important part of this getaway was to spend time with me.).  

He continues to tell me, he has amazing patience as we both learn to live in a new way.  It is a new way that leads us to take afternoon naps, to find random places to eat and to realize that it is not a healthy idea for me to spend an entire day out hiking, right now.   We are learning to communicate in new ways, and eventually when that little voice speaks up and says "don't eat here."  I will start to not just listen but express that voice.     

The land here is beautiful and I long to just get lost in the trails; that was not a healthy choice at the time.  So I will continue to do what I can and learn how to pay attention to my body and how to communicate that enough is enough.   

Question to consider:  When is the last time you woke up early just to watch the sunrise, to enjoy the start of a new day and open yourself to all the possibilities that day holds?   No expectations just acceptance.   

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