Thursday, March 3, 2016

Saying "Yes"

I write from my own experience, and as I continue to write and explore myself and my feelings both on the blog and in my personal journals I catch glimpses of the fact that my experience is worth sharing.  These are small tiny beams of light, that remind me I am worth it, that I am wanted, that accepting love is safe.   

So when I write about having a chronic illness or feeling trapped inside a body that is out of balance, I am only speaking from my experience.  What I have learned, what has worked, what has failed, what has stopped working, and what has gone back to working.   It is huge experiment and I am easily frustrated because a lot of the time I am not quite sure how to interpret all the signals in my body.  I have a hard time discerning what helps to strengthen and what might be hurting me.   

I woke up this morning, with a giant to do list.  Normal activities such as physical therapy, grocery shopping, taxes, laundry, acupuncture session, cooking, tea with a friend, and class in the evening.   Some of these things are "shoulds," some are "want too," and some are "have to/get to."   So as I began my physical therapy exercises, I noticed a decrease in my mobility, and then the pain started.   So I went to the comforting positions to help bring down pain levels and to bring me back to breathing, and the pain kept increasing.   

I finally woke Adam up earlier then he wanted, and asked for some help with the pain.   Not to fix it or take it away, but he is able to provide comfort and sometimes manual therapy can help.   The whole time I kept running my list through my head, and it continued to add to my stress.  Mostly I was worried about not being able to do the thing I really wanted to do, I have been looking forward to tea with my friend since she scheduled it.   Even though she would understand if I had to cancel, I wanted to go.   So I took everything else off the list, except my acupuncture appointment.   

Now I am sitting in my house, evaluating if I can go to tea and it makes me feel sad and lonely that I am faced with these choices some days.  On the other hand I am grateful that I have these choices, that despite the pain and exhaustion there are still things I want to do, that I am excited about.   That gives me hope, it gives me the hope that I will continue to learn about my body and how to treat it better so that I will find a way to thrive.   That on the tough days I will become more accepting of my limitations and understand it is compassionate to take it easy.   Because right now, I still fight it.  I might be taking it easy, but my mind isn't resting I am still frustrated that I can't do things I could do yesterday.   However I don't know what I will be able to do tomorrow either.   

I will go to tea, I might leave earlier then I want.  I might need to rest a little bit extra because I pushed it, or I might be energized.   There are infinite possibilities.  I want to go spend time with my good friend, to hear about her latest excitement and adventure.  I want to seek some perspective on my situation and learn how to communicate with people better.  

I get to sit here, listening to Sterling snore as a reminder it is okay to rest.   Now I just have to accept that, I get to accept that I am still lovable even when I don't get everything done, that I am still lovable when I ask for help, that it is love to listen to my body and learn again when it is okay to push the edge and when it is time to grab my herbal wrap and relax.   

Question of the Day:  What did you do today that you really WANTED to do?   There is still time.

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