Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Warriorship

So Adam and I headed home to New Mexico, we headed out to the trails, to the mountains, to see friends and family.   I was terrified, I wasn't sure what I was going to eat and if you read my previous post, you will see that it was not the smoothest ride in terms of food.   

To be honest, the trip wasn't the smoothest trip we had taken.   I experienced a flare, and I dislocated/relocated a bone in my foot and learned how to use crutches.  The morning I woke up feeling the flare, was one of hyper focus.  Both Adam and I took our best guess at what food might have caused it and decided to avoid that for the rest of the trip, and he focused on packing while I took my medication and got back in touch with my body.   I practiced my breathing and relaxation techniques, I cried and probably screamed a little bit.   Eventually I calmed down enough to be able to sit in the car while Adam drove, we listened to funny audiobooks and did our best to keep me calm.   

Everyone is different, and each of my flares have been different.  This flare was mostly bladder spasms, and although I knew eventually they would pass.  It changed our leisurely morning and I just wanted to get back to my parents house where I would be able to rest and be close to a bathroom.  

So how do I travel with IC?  I still don't really know.   I find a balance between enjoyment, pushing my limits, respecting my body and relaxation.  As we were driving, I told Adam that we were crazy to try this and it was time for me to realize travel was too difficult.  He continued to assure me and remind me that each time we test my limits we learn something new.   That we will continue to learn and grow through this experience.  (Of course my bladder was spasming, so it fell on deaf ears.)

I tend to have this all or nothing mentality, and slowly I am working to break that pattern.  Slowly I am learning to accept that things change in an instant and it is okay to let the plan change.  I continue to fall down, and to push people away when I am frightened and hurting, slowly I am learning it is okay to let that go and just say I am frightened.  Slowly the fences I built, are starting to get holes, and sometimes that means that I feel raw and even more frightened.  However when I try to hide behind the same fence, it is no longer as strong as my desire to let love in.   

 Question of the day: What motivates you to keep going when your mind tells you to give up?  Where is your focus in those moments, the moments when you keep walking, when you keep your vision?  What breaks you free from your mind's lies?


1 comment:

  1. I hope you are still able to travel in June for the conference in Boulder! I am excited to see you and show you a bit of the beauty at the base of the Flatirons in June. And maybe a trip to the Dushanbe teahouse?

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