This brief moment was not when the piece was completed, in fact far from it, I had just started the process of removing the paper, and making a huge sticky mess of water, paper and glue. Still it was intense to have that feeling come back again, even for a brief moment. I felt like it had been years of working with art and beads, that I was in love with my work, with what I was doing.
The piece is not perfect, and at the same time it is perfect. Because I was able to tap into that feeling, that craving that in some way my spirit was coming out in the work.
As I peeled layer, after layer and the photo came into resolution, it reminded me a lot of this process I am going through with my condition. I continue to do treatments, to take herbs, to learn more, to ask questions and I continue to fall down and get back up.
I am still recovering from a flare that struck a couple of weeks ago now, and was forced to look at the fact that although I am making progress there might be something else that will help. I went to my doctor, to honestly explain that the herbs, the diet changes, the physical therapy and other techniques are helping. However I am still having a lot of trouble adding more variety to my diet, and even foods that are considered "safe" have ended up triggering me.
It is time to go to the next tier of treatment, and while I wait for insurance approval I am looking up information about the risks and benefits and seeking out people with experience. I have also decided to cancel a weekend yoga training I wanted to attend in May and my summer writing program trip to Boulder. I decided that I want more time to take care of myself and learn more, and although I feel disappointed and frustrated. I needed to be honest with myself and my capabilities at this point. I need to continue to peel back the layers and determine how to best take care of myself, to let go of the pressure that I was feeling to move past this and get on with my life.
This is my work right now, to move slowly and carefully. To continue to set goals and focus on the work to achieve the goals, not focus on when or if I achieve the goal. For me to be open to the opportunities that come up because I broaden my focus and allow the results to come into their own resolution. To fall in love with peeling back the layers, to fall in love with the mess, the pain, the joy, the grief and eventually let it simply be.