This is a huge shift for me, to be able to take these signals that can be so crippling and devastating and not immediately blame myself, not immediately think I must have done something wrong. It is valuable after the crisis stops to look back at what might have influenced the sudden change, but in the moment it is more about what will help.
For example I have learned with bladder spasms, the most effective treatment right now is medication, a warm herbal pillow and rest. Last night it was stabbing pain in the left kidney, which can be referred pain from my bladder, it can be nerve pain, it can be muscle spasms and other things that I am not aware of. At first all I could do was stop screaming and try to breathe. Adam was gently reminding me to breathe, whenever he noticed I was holding my breath. While I was deciding if I could move, if I could see if any of the exercises I have learned would help, listening to what my body might need and what was going on. Grateful that so many people have taken time to equip me with skills to help, grateful in the immense pain that I felt like I had options, and I was no longer helpless.
I cried and didn't move for a long time and eventually the pain dropped just enough that I could stand up, and walk to get some water, stretch and warm up the herbal pillow. (Someone might be thinking, why not ask Adam to grab the herbal pillow and water? Because walking with the correct posture and stretching helps me determine what might help. It activates muscles that can take pressure off the nerves and even if it is for a heart beat, it drops the pain a tiny bit. It gives me valuable info.)
As I was walking to the kitchen, I thought of a book that Adam and I are listening to. Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, in which she described waking up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and telling her husband "a leprechaun is trying to crawl out of my chest." It made me laugh, which again dropped the pain a tiny bit. I imagined a tiny little leprechaun sneaking into houses late at night and taking a tiny dagger and poking people to see who responds.
I eventually made it back to bed and drifted in and out of sleep. When I woke up the pain was at about a 7, which for me is manageable, it is draining and I got to reprioritze my day because I know I will need extra time to rest.
I don't know what it is like for Adam to watch this, to support me, I do know that it takes a toll on him as well. I am not the only one that loses sleep, that has to change their plans because life happens, but he continues to kiss me good bye in the morning, to laugh, to play with me and to hold me when there is nothing else that can be done. Somehow we continue to stumble through this, and support each other.
So despite the taxing night, I feel like celebrating a little bit. It is a huge shift for me to not immediately blame myself, it is huge for me to not feel like I did something wrong to cause this. It is also a celebration for all the people (who probably have no clue) that helped to equip me with tools, that gave me encouragement, or that simply loved me when I had such a hard time accepting myself.
Question of the Day: How will you celebrate with me today? I am going to a movie with a friend, after a little nap and then who knows what else life has to offer. Time to drink up!