However that is not the most helpful focus, in fact it is a destructive habit. So how do I change my focus, how to see all the abundance in my life admist the changes? I am aware of how lucky I am, how much support Adam is giving me, and that there are so many people that have skills that might help. I still feel this lack, this foggy sight that clouds my vision and prevents me from seeing all the opportunities available.
Yesterday, the stresses of the world kind of caught up with me, and when I felt powerless that is when all the stories came up, all these imagined stressed that don't exist. Apparently, I am not getting enough variety with my actual life and my mind decides to imagine worse case scenarios and downward spirals.
I spend a great deal of my life right now, living with chronic pain, taking hours to cook, to train and it is one of the most self involved things I have done. Weighing every choice, taking into account how I am feeling and sometimes pushing myself even when I "know" better. The chronic pain means that my body is processing extra stress hormones, and so when I hit a threshold of stress, my body collapses. It has to take the time to process all the neurotransmitters and chemicals that are released in response to a new level of stress.
This morning while I was taking time to recover, moving through my training at a painfully slow speed, evaluating what else I could do to help my body leave the fight or flight mode it was in. I realized how foggy my sight is, how dark and bleak my focus is when it comes to everyday activities. I spend a lot more time grieving for what I have "lost," and I stopped looking for what is new, what is enjoyable.
Again that is a pattern for me, and one that must be broken, I want a different default setting. There is a lot of literature out there about "good stress, bad stress, chronic stress, acute stress," and the different effects it has on the body both long term and short term. Again, there is no "how to" guide; there is no set it and forget it button. There is only noticing the pattern and breaking it.
It is snuggling with Sterling and listening to his little heart beat, it is letting Adam hold me even when I want to run away and hide, it is giving myself space and saying "no" instead of pushing until I collapse, until I am not functioning at a useful level. It is also being okay with the loss and grief, without holding on to them. It is accepting that no matter how I feel and what my mind is telling me, I am not this disease!
Who I am, what I am? That is the abundance to focus on, that ability to reinvent myself. To stop describing myself as what I used to be, what I used to do.
Question of the day: Who are you today? Who are you priceless to and who is priceless to you?