Honestly it was just the tipping point in a week of my patience and resolve being tested. Plus the fear that we are going to spend this money and find out the treatment isn't successful. I am constantly practicing, I am constantly using my tools and reminding myself that I am making progress, that I am getting better. The mind is relentless in its pursuit, to find weak points and trigger points to bring up fears and then I listen to those fears and my focus quickly changes to find coraboration.
That is the thing about focus, I can always find what it is I am looking for. When my foundation is worn down and I feel like I am drowning a bit, it takes effort to change the focus, to not allow my old patterns and behaviors be reinforced by data.
Data can be read so many different ways and if I am looking for a way to reinforce weakness, I will find it. Honestly I feel weak and helpless a lot of the time lately, then I remember I have exercises, meditations, and people that can help. That doesn't make me weak, that means I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself. It doesn't help to compare myself to my coworkers, or friends that seem to have endless amounts of energy compared to me. It doesn't help to compare my healing journey to others. I read their stories and I talk to people because it inspires me that something WILL work, reminds me that things are working. The mind is what wants to compare, it wants to a linear timeline for how long it will take, it wants me to believe I am lacking.
This has started me to wonder what is abdunant in my life right now, to shift the focus away from blood test results, symptoms, and canceling or shifting plans.
There are many people in my life that are understanding and help is such little ways, offering to pick me up, to come over and keep me company, to really listen to my frustrations (not to fix them, just to give me a chance to let it out), to sending me quotes or beautiful photos and simply giving me a hug when they see me. My schedule is flexible enough that I can see my Physical Therapist, Acupuncturist and Doctors almost anytime. I have a husband who is extremely patient and continuously reminds me that it is getting better, who gives me things to look forward to, and who understands when I say I am unable to do something. I have the greatest little dog, that is happy to take naps with me. I have enough time to heal. I have enough love to learn how to give from abundance instead of from lack.
Question of the Day: What is abundant in your life right now? For a couple breaths, stop listening to the mind chatter that wants you to believe you are lacking anything. All I need is within me now.