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Showing posts from June, 2016

End of year four

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Last year, I wrote these words:   "So this fourth year is dedicated to finding, listening to and speaking my voice.  More importantly it will be dedicated to exploring what that means." Shockingly enough, I went back and read the words I wrote a year ago.   This is shocking, because I am not fond of reading my own writing, despite everyone encouraging me to go back and see how I have progressed as a writer.  
When I wrote that goal, to discover my voice.  I had expectations and goals in mind.  I was hoping that I would learn to develop my voice through teaching yoga and continuing to talk about my studies and expanding how I was volunteering and work towards being proud and able to talk about what I do without making myself small.   Most people that know me well, know when it comes time to talk about myself or what I am doing, anything that might be vulnerable my posture tends to collapse and I literally make myself smaller.  
Little did I know what the year had in store for m…

Sterling Sunday

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Better late then never

Letter writing

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I am hoping to attend a short yoga training at the end of October, and I was ordering the books that are prerequisites and this book caught my eye.  I am a huge fan a Brene Brown and I know that Kristin Neff and her just teamed up to offer a class on self-compassion.  I decided to order this book and started reading it last night.  There are various exercises through the book, I am not very far.  In fact I got to the second exercise and felt a huge resistance to do the exercise.  I simply wanted to keep reading the book.  So I put the book down and asked myself "do you want to read the book or do you want to do the work and get change your patterns?"   I tend to motivate myself by using self critism and the way that I talk to myself is appalling.  I have often told Adam if he spent one day in my head and heard what I said to myself he would be shocked.  I am not alone in this, this addiction to self-criticism, and it causes me to increase the feelings of insecurity and leave…

Sterling Sunday

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Symbols

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I was recently rereading one of my favorite books, and this scene jumped out at me.  One of the characters is reminding another that just because he has been taught a symbol, a sign means that everything will end in tragedy doesn't mean it will.  That the ending doesn't mean that fruit still doesn't taste sweet, that laughing with friends and holding a loved one cannot be enjoyed.   He slaps the character and says "are you finally awake?"  Just because the story might end in tragedy, doesn't distract from the journey from the sweetness that life has to offer.  
Pain doesn't diminish pleasure, and illness doesn't diminish the times I feel healthy unless I give it that power, that meaning.  
I really needed to hear this message today, the book says it so eloquently and I needed the slap in the face too.  This weekend I had a bit of a setback and because of it my outlook on life became very bleak, and honestly I didn't want to pick myself back up.  I w…

Exquisite Pain

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There are moments when I feel so much pain associated with my medical condition, that I scream, I cry and I feel like those moments will last forever.  Sometimes I beg Adam to take me to the ER, even though I know there is nothing "wrong."  With the pain tends to come fear, and my very patient husband holds my hand and asks questions to see if it is different or if the pain is just associated with my condition.  He has learned that sometimes I am not able to trust that the pain will pass, that sometimes the treatments create such irritation that it feels worse for a little while.  That I forget I am still learning how to administer medication and it will take time to learn to do it gently and carefully.  There are also rare moments when he reminds me that it is okay to go and get things checked out and to ask for pain medication.  That asking for pain medication doesn't make me weak.  
It was in one of these moments of pain, of me sitting alone because Adam was at work, t…

Sterling Sunday

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Listening to my sog's breath as I do my physical therapy this morning. Life always has a soundtrack. 

Food

I was watching a TV show the other day, one of the main characters had recently had a heart attack and his partner was hovering around him and driving him a little crazy.   So he asked someone to take his partner to lunch so that he could have one day to himself before he went back to work.   He spent the day cooking a meal for his partner, to celebrate that the worrying was over.  
I was in tears watching the scene as he described that the heart attack and surgery were over and it was time to put the worry away and live life again.  After the episode finished, I cried a lot.  I started to ask myself why?   
Food is a big trigger for me, feeling uncomfortable eating out, being wary of trying "new" foods again, and no longer feeling a passion for food or even eating.  I grew up in a family where food was associated with celebrations, with gathering, with connection, significance and because of that I learned to cook.  It is an extremely valuable skill when you get to change eve…