Thursday, July 7, 2016


I want to post this photo, even though it feels incomplete.  Adam surprised me with a trip out of town for my birthday, to give us both a bit of a break, get away from our comfort zone and just reconnect.  Despite all the struggles, I have this photo of a moment, when I was simply happy.  A moment that reflects what I imagine Adam sees when he looks at me, not a sick wife, not someone who is helpless, not someone who is in pain, not someone that feels like she is simply struggling to survive.  

This is also one of those images that get posted on social media, it is an image that doesn't tell the whole story.  Because how can it?   How can one instant, one moment define me, define a trip?  Yet I tend to focus on the negative and allow those instants to define my experience.  Adam reminds me, that even if we only spent 30 minutes at a concert or we only hike part of a trail, we are still out there.  I am still living a life, just because I need to rest more often, because I feel uncomfortable eating out doesn't mean I can't enjoy life.  He gets that it is difficult for me to say "I need to go home."  He understands that I don't always know my edge and sometimes I push it, sometimes I am a bit more conservative.   

We were out on a trail, and I just wanted to keep going.  I wanted to keep moving, to take in as much of the sites as possible and at some point it was time to turn back.  It was time to get some food and sit for a while.  

I spent some time with this bear, while we were exploring Downtown Denver.  I was attempting to read his expression, did he feel trapped behind the glass?  Was he satisified with where he was?   Was he frustrated?   (By the way all those questions, have nothing to do with the bear.)  

The simple fact is that I am all of those things, frustrated, determined, happy, simple, peaceful, grateful...  
Back to this idea of social media, that I tend to see and I only tend to post the great moments.  Adam did not take photos of me crying in pain, sitting in the hotel lobby. Who wants to remember those moments?  I do.  I want to remember that even though I was in intense pain, that I felt safe enough to let Adam hold me and just let the tears fall.  That he held space for me to feel what was going on.  He did this with the happy, amazing moments too.  I am lucky there are people in my life that I am safe enough with, that I can take off the mask and just admit I need time for myself.  

That is the blessing in this, that is the expression that is missing from social media and this idea that everyone is doing better then you.  It is also the pain that can connect us, it is those crisises, those moments when the facade breaks down and you just ask for help.  There are so many people in my life that are fighting challenges, that waited a long time to ask for help.  I wait all the time to ask for help and I am working on that, because it is dishonest to myself.   

I hope that whatever challenges you are currently approaching in your life, will encourage you to reach out and talk to someone.  Maybe you will find out someone has been through something similar, maybe they will help you see there is light in the tunnel, maybe they will hold you while you cry, maybe they will just accept you as you are.    One of my biggest challenges is to accept where I am at, and yet when I am honest with people I find they accept me.  

Question of the day: When do you feel accepted?

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