Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Waiting for Dawn

I was listening to a book today, and it brought up something.  The situation the character was facing he was able to control with his will, he was able to prevent something from hurting him, by controlling his focus.  Even though this story is a fantasy novel, and involves magic, giant lizards that breathe fire and other frightful creatures, I heard a metaphor.   The mind lies, my mind tells me lies that I am not worth it, that I am not enough, that it is always black and white, it slowly wants to kill my heart. 

However there are real threats out there, I drive in a car surrounded by other people driving cars and who knows how much attention at any given time any of us are actually paying to such a mundane activity.  I work at a place where I am thankful for the presence of detectives and police officers that are much more skilled and able to handle violence and threats when they come up.  Yet I go into both of these situations without thinking about the possible things that could go wrong.  There is some unspoken level of trust, trust that people are paying enough attention, trust that threats and violence will be able to handled smoothly and that the situation might not even come up.  

Yet it is these thoughts, these things that aren't real that have so much influence over my life some times.  When I am worn out and tired, weary, hungry, ect; it is harder to find the will.  That is when the discipline becomes so important to be free, to not listen to the lies, and it is when I fall down again and again.  It is when I am unable to see how to pick myself up, that it becomes one step at a time.  It is when I lick my wounds and retreat a little bit, however there is danger in that retreat.  It leaves me alone with my mind.   

I am a huge fan of Jenny Lawson, and she puts so much of this internal struggle into beautiful words.  She understands the grasp the mind can take and also the beauty that lies in both the darkness and light.  She has talked about how she has learned tricks and tools to not retreat into the mind, and she is also frank about when she is struggling, when she is working on picking herself up and when she needs help.  She has built an entire community of people that find a way to retreat and still reach out for comfort when they need it.  That it is okay to message your friends from a blanket fort in your living room, or ask your husband to hold you for a number of hours while you cry and scream, it is also okay to share your victories and celebrate those glorious moments when one steps back into the light.   

Those glorious moments are what shine like beacons to me when I retreat, and it takes time and patience but I always find myself going back to the light, it draws me.  The darkness might be familiar but it doesn't draw me like the light does.  So thank you to everyone who shines when I have retreated to the darkness of my mind, and to those who are patient and kind enough to wait for me to open my eyes and realize it is just thoughts and lies.  

Question of the day: How can you be furiously happy today?  What is one thing that will shine that light for yourself and others?

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