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Showing posts from September, 2016

Loneliness

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I recently read a post on Facebook about the loneliness of healing, this short little post touched on so many of the lessons I have been learning not just about healing about about life in general.  Adam and I have been together for over half our lives, in that time we have grown in the same directions.  There have been plenty of moments where we have sat down to have an honest conversation about our dreams and visions and make sure what we want is the same thing.  In our time together was have faced grieving family members, friends and dreams.  We have learned that both of us go through the process differently and often times when one of us reaches for the other that is the moment the other person needs some space.  
Unsurprisingly this has lead to some arguments and even worse long periods of time where someone withholds and is passive aggressive (usually me).  Because those moments of reaching out, asking for help are moments of vulnerability, moments where the heart is open and rea…

I can be stubborn

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I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and he point blank asked me what I have been doing for fun.  I racked my brain, I could have spun what I am have been doing and working on as "fun."  I keep doing it all and so I am getting levels of enjoyment out of it, but in terms of doing something purely for fun, something where time flies and where I feel relaxed and at ease.  I am not doing those things at all, in fact I have been finding excuses to not do them.  Putting them off until I feel better, prioritizing other things because energy and resources feel so limited.  
This weekend Adam wanted to schedule a date morning, and I felt so overwhelmed I was not able to even think of a time that would work.  Adam and I have gotten hit with some major life changes in a short amount of time and we are scrambling a little bit right now, because those changes will trigger more changes.  It is no surprise that this has caused a little bit of a setback in my health and my sel…

Sunshine Sunday

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My original intent with this blog and my continued intent is to honor both the good and bad in life.  To realize and accept that it the sun can be shining even when it is raining.  My tendancy is to focus on what is wrong, it is the first thing I tend to see.  I decided the best way to work with that is to learn to look for what I don't easily see and notice, to change my focus.  Sometimes context requires us to zoom in and sometimes it requires us to zoom out, and a lucky few of practiced enough that they are able to grasp the entire scope all at once.  
Grieving Sterling is going to take time, it is a process.  For over a decade he has been a presence through all of my processes, he has been a source of love, joy, comfort and patience as I went through life.  Now there is the opportunity to notice other sources, sources that were not seen because I focused on him.  Nothing will replace his presence, he was unique and significant to me in ways that word will never capture.  But th…

Sterling Sunday

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Last night, Adam and I said good bye to our little pup.  Words fail me pretty often, but here I am up in the middle of the night working to put something down.  Letting the tears fall because he will be missed.  
I might have mentioned it before but just in case, Sterling saved my life.  He kept me moving for over a decade, and it was time for him to rest and give me the opportunity to learn I will keep going without him.  
Adam and I held him with gratitude, peace, relief and grief.  He will always be in our hearts.  Rest in Peace Sterling Q.  

Training "begins"

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There was a time that I decided to sign up for my first half-marathon.  Ashley gave me plenty of reasons of why I could do it and she inspired me to give it a shot.  Despite having surgery in the middle of training, I still went and ran the race with her.  I had to modify my training because of the surgery, and being relatively new to running I managed to get to the finish line.  The race and the weekend was so much fun, I would not trade those hours of running with Ashley for anything.  It was the most quality time we had gotten together in a while, and even though my tendons were protesting I kept telling her that I would run another race with her.   Less then a month later we signed up for not just a half-marathon but a challenge, a 10K and half-marathon back to back.  We started to plan Star Wars themed costumes and encouraged each other as the training dates approached.  
Then life happened, eventually I chose to defer the race.  I could barely walk without severe pain and running…

Embracing fear

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Fear is a story.  I feel afraid that I won't be seen or heard, that I am not enough, that I won't be loved.  I feel afraid that I have never been loved for who I am, afraid that I will never even grasp who I am.  However, those fears have been with me for a very long time and mostly it is just a tape of the mind.  The "what if" game can provide a lot of entertainment and emotion to keep fueling the downward spiral of "what if."  

Unfortunately I have yet to discover some magic cure for the "what if" game.  Mostly I pay attention to foundations and ask myself a lot of questions about eating, drinking, sleeping, resting, relaxing, playing ect...  I am continuously reminded that competence and skill overcome fear.  I tend to forget the impact of getting through something.  That is where we gain skill, getting knocked down and getting back up. It isn't so important how long it feels like we are down, it is the getting back up.  I am starting to ac…

Sterling Sunday

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Poor little pup, I accidentally trapped him while sorting laundry.  

Secrets of the heart

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Aww, the allure of perfection.  Why is it so alluring to me, what is its magic spell?  It is this illusionary world where criticism doesn't exist, it is a place of complete certainty and acceptance.  It is this rose garden of lies that the mind wants you to believe in.  My mind wants to me to believe there is always a right choice and a wrong choice, that at any given time life is black and white and I should've figured it out by now.  This is the voice that tells me other people wouldn't understand.Because of this fear, I tend to keep things close to my heart.  I tend to keep experiences as burdens to carry, things that become unspeakable, and because I struggle with confidence in my language eventually something that will never be able to be communicated.  All of this creates boundaries and flow charts in what I need to do to get love.  
Because I am so focused on the flow chart, I tend to miss playful moments.  For example, I asked Adam to take a photo of me doing a yoga…

Debridement

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It is uncomfortable not knowing, not understanding or having no way to communicate my discomfort. Yesterday I messaged Adam and told him it felt like I had been through a bit of a debridement.  That some very old wounds had been uncovered, irritated and finally cleaned.  These wounds that had been making me uncomfortable for who knows how long, wounds so old that I couldn't pin point a source and now I felt them again.  Now that they had been cleaned and all the debris removed, I wasn't sure what to do with the discomfort and the space that had been revealed.
When I was in college I was learning to rollerblade and made a mistake and had a choice to enter a busy intersection or to throw myself in the dirt.   I didn't see another way to stop and because entering a busy intersection out of control seemed like a horrible idea I dove into a gravel driveway.  The result was not pretty, luckily my wrist guards protected my hands and arms but my legs were a bit bloody.  I took off …