When I was in college I was learning to rollerblade and made a mistake and had a choice to enter a busy intersection or to throw myself in the dirt. I didn't see another way to stop and because entering a busy intersection out of control seemed like a horrible idea I dove into a gravel driveway. The result was not pretty, luckily my wrist guards protected my hands and arms but my legs were a bit bloody. I took off the rollerblades and began to slowly and tenderly walk home. The fall was not too bad, cleaning out the scrapes and cuts was terrible. I remember sitting in the shower and taking breath after breath to help me get ready for more cleaning. I remember wishing for my mom or dad who had cleaned my scrapped knees so many times, I remember wishing for anyone to help and hold my hand.
After the cuts were cleaned, I left them alone. I didn't go picking at the wounds, I didn't check every few seconds to see how the healing was going. My body had that healing process under control, I needed to stay out of the way and let the wound heal.
So what does that look like with old emotional wounds? I tend to keep picking, to keep checking in, to continue to poke and rub salt in emotional wounds. I have this feeling that it is important to do something, because I feel uncomfortable. It is that desire to be comfortable, to not make space for the discomfort that continues to irritate the wounds, that resets the emotions in me. It is continuing to ask questions to figure out the lesson.
This morning for a brief instant things clicked, the idea of leaving emotional wounds alone to heal is a necessity. It is not necessary to fill that space with doing something or being something other then what I am. Discomfort is a gift, it is a huge fucking gift. If you miss someone it means they mean a lot to you, if you feel grief over not being able to do something it is because it is important to you.
I am unsettled about not being able to go to China. My mind has been racing and making up all kinds of stories about it, it is searching to fill that gap with entertainment, with distractions, with anything it can. Maybe I can just relax into the discomfort of all the feelings and meanings I have about this trip and maybe I when I relax I will start to let go, to loosen the grip and create space in that dscomfort and be grateful.
I have the gift of feeling how important that trip was to me for so many reasons, and even though I don't get the gift of going on the trip, I get something different. I get the drive and determination to continue my discipline, the motivation to keep going, because being a Daoist Priest is something I am, and something that I rejoice in being able to do. My teacher continued to tell me it was not about a piece of paper, it comes down to the work. Maybe I am starting to accept his point, little by little the discomfort and void is being filled by what I want and who I am.