Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I can be stubborn

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and he point blank asked me what I have been doing for fun.  I racked my brain, I could have spun what I am have been doing and working on as "fun."  I keep doing it all and so I am getting levels of enjoyment out of it, but in terms of doing something purely for fun, something where time flies and where I feel relaxed and at ease.  I am not doing those things at all, in fact I have been finding excuses to not do them.  Putting them off until I feel better, prioritizing other things because energy and resources feel so limited.  

This weekend Adam wanted to schedule a date morning, and I felt so overwhelmed I was not able to even think of a time that would work.  Adam and I have gotten hit with some major life changes in a short amount of time and we are scrambling a little bit right now, because those changes will trigger more changes.  It is no surprise that this has caused a little bit of a setback in my health and my self care.  

I have let some people down but mostly myself.  I took on more then I could handle and continued to take on more then I could handle.  I was completely overwhelmed with must do, should do and want to do.  It got to the point where I do not have enough perspective to know the difference between must and should. My perspective has shifted and it is time to clean the filters.  

It is time to give myself some time and space to recover, to be selfish.  Those want to do, those things that feed my soul and help me thrive need to enter my life a little bit more right now.  I am in a place where I don't believe my short-term goals are possible, and they aren't if I continue to neglect myself, to push myself over and over.  

There are so many sayings out there about reaching for your goals, to take leaps, and to keep going.  It is time to rest so that I am clear on where to go as Adam and I handle these major life changes.  Which means I get to be honest and really look at my actions lately and see what really builds me up.  I need some help, and frankly I am not even sure what I need.  Everything is okay, and I am excited about these upcoming journeys, however I need to find my ground and get my symptoms under control.  

Focusing on myself is one of the hardest things for me, and it takes me falling down a lot and looking at all my bruises and hurt to bring me back to that.  Whatever works I guess?   

Question of the day:  What are some of your favorite self-care rituals and routines?  As you prepare to stand back up what do you enjoy doing for rest and relaxation?   Everyone goes through so much in their life, what really comforts you and prepares you keep going?

2 comments:

  1. Yes!!! Me, too. My fun right now is trying to finish a tv series I started over a year ago. I just want it off the list! But I recognize I am feeling more centered by being productive in some minor capacity than not. The anxiety trickles in if I do anything "purely fun" (yeah, right) before 9 pm.

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    1. I completely understand that. I have always been jealous of Adam's ability to compartmentalize and just have fun even when it feels like there is so much work that needs to be done right now.

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