Secrets of the heart
Aww, the allure of perfection. Why is it so alluring to me, what is its magic spell? It is this illusionary world where criticism doesn't exist, it is a place of complete certainty and acceptance. It is this rose garden of lies that the mind wants you to believe in. My mind wants to me to believe there is always a right choice and a wrong choice, that at any given time life is black and white and I should've figured it out by now. This is the voice that tells me other people wouldn't understand.
Because of this fear, I tend to keep things close to my heart. I tend to keep experiences as burdens to carry, things that become unspeakable, and because I struggle with confidence in my language eventually something that will never be able to be communicated. All of this creates boundaries and flow charts in what I need to do to get love.
Because I am so focused on the flow chart, I tend to miss playful moments. For example, I asked Adam to take a photo of me doing a yoga pose on this bridge. I was having a difficult time with my balance and kept toppling out of the pose. In some instances that would have been a playful and enjoyable moment, in other instances I could've really critized myself and made the rest of the evening miserable. What is the difference?
If I could slow down time, then watch frame by frame as the neurotransmitters flow through my body, I still don't think I would be able to understand. Because I am starting to observe that sometimes the initial reaction is just a reflex, however at some point the knee jerk reflex has passed and that is the moment the decision can be made. Does this become another secret in the heart? Something that is used to create shame and use up energy or can I close the door on the burden, put it down and leave my heart clear and open?
Question of the day: I believe our biggest secrets of the heart, the biggest things that we are carrying right now are not what makes us unique. I believe sharing these secrets can help someone feel like they are not alone in their struggles. One of mine, something that always tends to make me feel like I will have love taken away is how much I doubt myself. How many times in a day I believe I am not enough, and want to be reminded it is always okay.