There was a time that I decided to sign up for my first half-marathon. Ashley gave me plenty of reasons of why I could do it and she inspired me to give it a shot. Despite having surgery in the middle of training, I still went and ran the race with her. I had to modify my training because of the surgery, and being relatively new to running I managed to get to the finish line. The race and the weekend was so much fun, I would not trade those hours of running with Ashley for anything. It was the most quality time we had gotten together in a while, and even though my tendons were protesting I kept telling her that I would run another race with her. Less then a month later we signed up for not just a half-marathon but a challenge, a 10K and half-marathon back to back. We started to plan Star Wars themed costumes and encouraged each other as the training dates approached.
Then life happened, eventually I chose to defer the race. I could barely walk without severe pain and running seemed unreasonable as my lifestyle changed. Not only did I defer the race but I didn't think it made sense to travel to Disneyland and cheer on Ashley as she completed the race. Last January as Ashley sent me videos and dedicated her run to me I felt heartbroken and a bit angry with my situation. I remember crying for a long time, as I watched those videos, as I cheered for her from far away. That is another memory I would never trade, because I was so touched and proud of her. She has her own battles and it took a lot for her to get there.
When June came around again, I was used my deferment and signed up for the Rebel Challenge coming up in January. I was still not able to run and did not know what the future would bring. I wanted a challenge, something to shoot for and if I am honest something that I could achieve that would help silence that voice that continues to tell me that it is hopeless to plan for the future. That voice that tells me my life is over and that I am tired of arguing with. I am tired of saying my life looks different now.
Enough with the past...this week is when the training program starts. Instead of buying new shoes to break in, I bought Ashley and I shirts as a talisman. When I showed Adam the shirt his response was "I am not sure that is the best inspiration for you."
I started to think about that. He was correct, and he got me to look at some of my beliefs about my worth. I grew up with Star Wars and I had given this statement a meaning that I wasn't aware of when until Adam pointed it out. It was directly tied into how I view my worth, because if I put effort into something and it didn't live up to my expectations I devalued myself and my efforts.
Monday when I started my training program, I used the time to really decide what that statement means to me now. What is a useful way to use that statement instead of a way that correlates my worth with results?
The statement is about results, it is not about action. There is no judgement in the statement, even though I tend to hear one. It boils down to doing the work, and letting the results happen. There is so many different variables involved in results, and many are not something I have control of. That statement is about committing to the work, trusting the universe to provide the best outcome and not using the results as a way to critique my worth.
As I work with my body, I will focus on trusting it and believing that we will communicate. That if running is not something that makes sense then I will do my best to show up and not concentrate on the finish. In the end my desire is to enjoy time with Ashley, play and reconnect. The race is simply the vehicle and something we both enjoy and connect over. It is not about the finish.