However the other side of this, is I do not tend to believe that I am doing the best that I can do. Because I live so much of life with the self-critic, I don't want anyone else to feel that way. I want to believe in people because I struggle with it myself. I have discussed the self-critic before with the self-compassion writings.
The idea of doing the best one can do, is coming up a lot in my reading lately. So I have been examining the question a lot. Who I tend to be easy on, and who I tend to be hard on? Who do I expect more of and is it really fair? This has nothing to do with potential growth or worth, just learning to love everyone including me at this moment. When I have been walking, I talk it out with myself, poor Adam is getting to hear about research and how different religions seem to approach this question.
Let's fast forward to today. I have mentioned before that I am struggling with sleep, and anyone that has gone through sleep deprivation knows how much it sucks. Anyone that has lived with someone who is sleep deprived knows how much that sucks too. Senses are heightened, pain is more intense, cognitive thought is slower, and it is hard to stay focused at least those are a couple of effects for me. I got a couple of hours of sleep last night, which is kind of my norm.
I feel pathetic, I didn't go to work, I canceled some appointments and am doing my best to stay calm in bed. Imagine my surprise when I looked up at Adam and said "My best is pretty pathetic, but I really am doing my best right now." I meant every word of it. Maybe that is the gift today of feeling like I hit a low point, I got this question answered. I am doing my best. My best just doesn't look the same everyday or in every situation, but it is enough.