This is a pattern for Adam and I, it makes sense why I love Chemistry and he loves Physics. I hit a point where I accept there is some "magic" and he wants to keep going and zooming in. However in other areas of our lives we are the opposite. When is comes to health for example, I am extremely zoomed in and aware, honestly I want to control my health. Adam is much more trusting and accepting that things will work out. I would love to blame this tendency on my current condition but that is not true. The necessity of keeping food journals, and tracking symptoms has made me zoom in even more, but I have always had a tendancy to be easily thrown off balance when it comes to health.
That tension right before the scales tip, before the pendulum swings is the moment that magic happens. It is that dark place that is difficult to put your finger on, that place that is impossible to show. It is that place where you are lying in bed and decide to face the day or cover yourself back up with your blankets and shut things out. It is the place where you don't know how you keep going but you do. These moments are the ones that I feel a lot of the time, having to accept and trust that can and will do something, having to accept that it is okay to say I won't do something and refining those choices to be true to myself.
I spent the last couple of days alone, and when I crawled into bed at night I felt the darkness, the emptiness of the house that I no longer fill. The vacancy left by Sterling and the temporary vacancy left by Adam traveling. Honestly it sucked, I cried every night and I made the commitment to sit with my feelings, to write, and to explore the darkness. This is how I showed my gratitude for that vacancy, to allow myself to grieve for a life that is in the process of transforming. To accept that I might still feel like I am in the dark, but that is exactly where the magic happens. It is not about changing the darkness but understanding its purpose is always to bring me back into light.
Magicians create a certain amount of tension and transform that tensions into applause, laughter, exclamation and other emotions. That tension is when the transformation happens and when the prestige is witnessed relaxation occurs. The relaxation, the applause, the laughter might be the desired goal, but that is not the magic. Everyone you encounter in your day that you admire, that is bright and glowing to you, has their moments of darkness or tension that created the person you see in front of you.
Question to consider: Where do you think the magic happens? When does the transformation occur in your processes?