I have been feeling pretty down lately, just in a bit of a funk and honestly the holidays don't help. While I was doing my best to write this weekend, all I could come up with were ways the holidays are difficult for me. It didn't help with the funk. The writing wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't helping me figure out a better filter to use, some way to change my focus. I stopped writing and waited for inspiration to strike.
This morning I was training, and realized how close the race is. In about a month I am going to Disney! I signed up for 19.3 miles, the rebel challenge and I know I won't finish. It is not kind to my body to push it that much and I work everyday to do what I can. Honestly it is a bit upsetting, accepting my limits, I have yet to make peace with them yet. There are days I long to go for a long run.
I was considering my tendencies and thinking it might be difficult for me to start a race (the half marathon) that I won't finish. Mostly because I have a lot of ideas about failure, about needing to push myself, about all or nothing. As I kept running through all my stories about failure and expectations from myself and others I came up with a different challenge.
I like a challenge and truthfully I love a rebel. Since it is not wise for me to finish the rebel challenge I decided to make up my own rebel challenge. To rebel against my mind and the story it tells. Because I want to and will celebrate this upcoming race regardless of what happens, celebrate that my body has recovered enough that I can walk 6 miles, celebrate that I no longer collapse in bed after a long day and celebrate that my body is getting some rest and relaxation.
Here are some quick examples of the lies my mind is telling right now:
1. You are a failure for having to go back to physical therapy again.
2. Performance and finishing are all that matters.
3. No one is willing to be around you if you are crying.
4. You are only safe if you are small.
5. No one will take the time to listen to your real answer about "how are you today?"
6. This is a stupid idea. (hee hee)
This is just a few examples. How do I rebel about these lies? Not really sure. I can tell you what I will first play with and we will see how it goes. This is not about seeking to prove the mind is wrong. This is seeking to not let the story control me. This is about me making my own decision.
Here is one example of how I see myself as rebelling against the story. I have been seeing my physical therapist again to work out some issues that have come up. Mostly it seems to come back to my breathing. I tend to contract my muscles, diaphragm and pelvic floor when I inhale, it is not natural for me to relax them. It feels unnatural to allow everything to expand as I inhale to me, probably because I have this story that I need to be small to be safe. My body still has that pattern, I bring more awareness to my breathing. I pay attention and slowly I am gaining more competence with a different type of breathing. Celebrating the fact that I have something to work on that will make a difference in my quality of life.
Question of the day: How do you want to join me in the rebellion and celebrate what makes you unique and YOU?