Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Space

There is a space between making a decision and finally seeing the outcome of that decision.  Sometimes the space feels like it is barely noticeable and sometimes it stretches out and feels like an eternity.  Waiting, prepping and trusting that when the time comes I will be able to actually follow through with that decision.  

What am I talking about?  Adam and I made the decision months ago to move, actually we had been talking about the decision for a long time, but we didn't know how Sterling would handle navigating a new space without his vision.  When Sterling passed away there was nothing holding us to our home, except we didn't have a place to go yet.  New jobs could potentially take us to different parts of the city.  The focus was on  tiny steps, cleaning out closets, going through stuff in the attic, many trips to Goodwill, half-price books, etc...   

Tomorrow we are making a furniture donation, and we recently moved things around to get ready for that.  There are vacant spaces in our house, it feels even larger now, we moved one chair out of our bedroom and the difference is significant.  Post it notes are coming off the walls, little notes we have left each other over the years, decorations are coming off the walls, slowly our home is becoming a blank slate again.  

I am a big fan of purging and getting rid of things, I feel lighter and better.  However, both Adam and I hit a place on Sunday after looking at apartments and understanding what 650 square feet looked like, where we were overwhelmed.  That space of feeling overwhelmed and just wanting to hide for reality allowed us to talk out our emotions and alter some of our plans.   It was an uncomfortable day, it was the day when we saw where this decision might lead and the reality of how many more steps there are until we are settled.  

I woke up Monday morning, and hid in bed for about an hour before going grocery shopping and getting the day started.  I took that space to stay cuddled up in bed, listen to Adam's breathing and try to tell myself it would be okay.  Because as much as this house no longer fits, I love it, there are so many great memories and things about it that are wonderful, but I still can't quite see what I am moving to.  Hence as Adam and I get rid of more and more things, that space I feel internally is becoming externalized.  

It is space to grow, to change and to let go.  Space, vacancy is pretty uncomfortable for me and now I see it in a lot of places in my home.  The space is also what needs to be leaped across in order to make a change.  It is leaping into a sea of possibilities and doing my best to fill the space with exactly what I want instead of just something.  It is taking the moment to pause, and remind myself I am worth patience and time.   

Question of the day: Where is there space in your life and are you taking the moment to pause, to fill it with what you want?




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