Friday, February 24, 2017

Focusing on the sincere questions

I was in Vermont a number of weeks ago, and haven't quite processed it all, so stay tuned for a post on the Spoonie Collective and my experience.  However one of the people I met, Joseph, is the founder and executive director at The You Rock Foundation.  Grateful and curious are not large enough words to describe what it was like talking to Joseph and hearing a bit of his story.  One part of this foundation is to have people post selfies with their message and mission.   One of the signs that you can print out is "I Matter Because...."  There is plenty of blank space to fill in your answer.  

I was really glued to scrolling through these photos and reading peoples different expressions, one night when I couldn't sleep.  The next morning, I woke up and did my meditation and some of those signs popped into my head, I immediately started crying.  So my practice that morning was crying, just allowing the tears to fall.  

Later while I was driving to work, I got a bit curious about the crying was all about.  In that moment, I didn't have a sincere answer to that question; "why do I matter?"  So while I was driving I started thinking of all the possible answers and nothing was sincere at that moment either.  Hilarious that I am driving to go teach yoga and I still felt like I didn't matter.  

So why write about this?  Why share?  Because this is a place I visit often, that feeling that I am easily replaceable to the people in my life.  I no longer live there, but I visit quite often.  Why?  Because it is a part of the human experience, there was nothing to fix.  I didn't start searching for the people in my life to tell me why I matter, because I was not in a receptive place.  It would've turned into an silly argument because I wanted to be "right."  So I just explored that emotion for my car drive.  

Now it is a number of days later, and I still find myself searching for a sincere answer.  However that is when it hits me, I don't want a sincere answer, I want the perfect answer.  I want the answer that will resonate with me for the rest of my life and that I can go back to every time I visit this place.  Guess what?  There is no perfect answer, there is the answer I have in the moment, the answer that helps me start building my steps out of the dark hole.  The answer builds on itself with each step, until I climb back into the light.  Asking the question sincerely and being receptive is the state changer.

Even my silly answers for example, "I matter because I gave my husband a kiss on the cheek and he smiled;" are steps and perfect in their own way.  The beauty of the idea about why I matter, is it can be fluid and dynamic, because I am fluid and dynamic.  

I asked Joseph how he came up with those words and he shared the story about coming up with a simple and powerful catch phrase.  He came up with "You matter. You're needed.  You rock."  His foundation "is committed to transforming survivors into thrivers."  Please check out the link, watch the videos and see how everyone has a story to tell.  Maybe you will feel inspired to start sharing your own stories in your own way.   

Question of the day: Why do you matter?  Embrace all the answers that come up, don't be stubborn like me and think there is a "perfect" answer.  Every answer is perfect!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Sunshine Sunday

House is all packed up and feels a bit different.  10+ years of amazing and heartbreaking memories, glad I still get to walk with this man through it all.  I really love him

Monday, February 6, 2017

Sometimes I am just flat out scared....

Three years ago this month, I left for an adventure.  I traveled to the other side of the world to Nepal and completely fell in love.   I fell in love with the people there, the mountains, the lake and traveling by myself.  If you click on the link to three years ago, you will see my smiling excited face.

Fast forward three years and I am preparing my first trip by myself since my diagnosis. I am going on a retreat in Vermont hosted by Suffering the Silence, called the Spoonie collective.  Honestly I am excited but I am also scared and my mind is making up hundreds of stories.  

I have searched for every possible excuse to cancel this trip and Adam keep nudging me forward.  He keeps encouraging me and telling me I can do it.  It is going to be a leap into something I am really terrified to do, everything is set up for success and I still feel like I won't be enough.  

However, I love traveling and this is an amazing opportunity.  I am so lucky to have been chosen to attend and contribute to this event.  I have been inspired by so many of the stories on Suffering the Silence, I can't believe that I get a chance to tell my story before a live audience.  I have to take this chance.  

In some ways I feel like I owe it to that person that traveled to Nepal three years ago, excited, scared and came home full of life.  I owe it to that person that loves adventures and going into discomfort.  

Travel doesn't look the same anymore, I pack a lot more stuff, and I travel with catheters and medication; but I can still do it.  Now is my chance to prove it to that stupid little mind that I can still do the things I love.  This is my chance to remember I am not defined or limited by my condition.  

Question of the Day: What do you love to do?  How can you make that experience happen this year?