Friday, March 31, 2017

I stayed

I woke up in the morning and all of me hurt.  I could barely move and I struggled to get myself out of bed before giving up and crawling back into bed.  Overcome with grief and physical pain I just didn't want to move however I couldn't bear to stay there.  However I stayed.

I was left alone with my aching body and my stirred up emotions, my shoulds, my plans for the day and I just wept until I fell back asleep for a few hours.  Eventually I got up and made myself my tea and a little bit of breakfast.  I needed to move, and yet I couldn't think.  So I gathered my yoga mat and walked to a class (thankful that I can walk).  I was looking forward to an hour of nothing to think about except where to put my hand and my foot.  Where someone else would help guide me in unwinding my body.  

I placed my mat on the floor, took a sip of water and did my best to feel my breath as I waited for the class to start.  She had us start on our backs, to do a bit of facial massage and relaxation.  I could feel my breath jump up into my throat and my pace quicken as I looked up at the ceiling.  I willed my eyes shut and brought my hands to my face to follow the directions.  I pressed the first spot and tears just came flooding out and at the same time the feeling of panic, a feeling that I had to get out of that room as fast as possible.  

I stayed.  It was the longest yoga class I have ever taken.  I just kept telling myself, "stay on your mat." My breath was erratic and I was an uncoordinated mess.  When class was over again I had to force myself not to run out, to just gather everything up and walk out.  

I walked home, taking a brief detour to go by the bayou, and there I found that same grief.  The broken heart that was wanting to be taking care of.  There has been a lot of grief this year, saying good bye to places, friends, coworkers and family members.  Sometimes there has been something grand to look forward to because of those good byes and sometimes there has just been this ache, this space left by someone I love and treasured.  It piles up, and I needed some time to recharge.  

I just found myself floundering around about how to actually recharge, how to express these various griefs that built up.  I found myself in that familiar place of not being able to go back and not quite which way was forward.  It is a space I write about frequently, this space of what do I want?  Where do I put my focus?  

What happens when the answers to those questions are simple, focus on work, laundry, taking a shower and meal preparation?  That was when all of my shoulds kicked in.  The story that I needed to have better goals and focus, that simply getting through the day was not enough.  However listening to my body and my emotions that is exactly what I needed, to just focus on the next breath and allow the creativity to bloom, allow those more "important" things to come into focus instead of forcing them.  Sometimes it is okay to stay on the mat and just gather yourself together before taking that next step.

The mat is safe, it is a place to recharge, to grieve and to work out emotions.  It is a space that is okay to be and get back in touch.  It is a place where it is expected that you will wobble, learn new things and fall down.  Right now life is just my mat and it is okay if I wobble and fall down, it is okay that I don't know what to do every moment of every day.  It is the space between the notes that makes the music.

Question of the day:  What are your favorite ways to recharge and take a break?  Let us all grow that creativity together.    

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