Thursday, April 13, 2017

Year one



Counting down to 1,000 posts and over five years of writing, sharing, photographing and learning.  I listened to people recommendations about how to celebrate this accomplishment, and then I back pedaled.  I tend to minimize my accomplishments and not want to make a big deal out of things I am actually proud of.  I tend to armor my heart up, instead of offering my heart and seeing what happens.  This is when I know something is truly precious to me, when I only discuss it with a few individuals and I hide from the rest of the world.   I stopped writing, I had this fear of hitting 1,000 posts.  

This morning I woke up and looked at my count, and decided the truest way for me to mark this was to look back at each one of the years individually.  So I went into the office and grabbed the books of my blog from the first four years.  I opened that first year page and tears began flowing.  This is what I was avoiding, not the memory of the pain, but the idea that I actually accomplished that goal I set for the first year.  The fact that with that first post I changed something in my life, something I continue to practice to this day.

Trust me the pain still hurts, there are some wounds that never seem to completely heal.  Those wounds and heart breaking journey of fertility treatments lead me to seek more joy and appreciate the moments in my life.  It forced me to look around, to try new things and to return to a path I had long abandoned.  So maybe it is good that some wounds never completely heal, because that helps motivate me to continue moving forward, to not stay in that place and accept that everything changes.  

So I picked up that book documenting the first year of my blog and let the tears fall and when they stopped, I was open to discovering what happened that first year.  WOW!  There is so much that happened.  Adam and I started learning yoga and more importantly we really learned the importance of playing even when life is rough.  We learned things that helped recharge us instead of numbing.

I started to learn to be creative again, I started to work with glass, paint and theater.  I also got to take a glassblowing lesson which is still a highlight of life.  I really started to look for all the good things in life, and I think every negative pregnancy test helped prepare me to meet my teacher and ultimately guide me to wanting to become a Chaplain.  

There are so many good memories in that first year, mixed in with the carefully disguised disappointments and even some not so subtle memorials to people that I said good bye to that year.  At the end of that first year I had about 365 photos to make me smile and remind me how beautiful life can be even when it feels brutal.  

Question of the day:  What do you use to remind you of the beauty in the world?  When is the last time you looked through an old photo album and let the tears, laughter and joy flow through you as you traveled to another time?             

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