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Showing posts from May, 2017

The importance of breathing

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Ever have those moments that start to snowball?   That it starts to feel like everything is starting to go wrong and you start to believe it is just going to be one of "those" days.  
My moments started before I went to bed, while reading through some literature on medication, I noticed that the one medication I take everyday, the first thing I take as soon as my alarm goes off has peppermint in it.  I recently discovered a sensitivity to peppermint.
I just burst into tears, kicking myself, beating myself up for not noticing sooner.  It is a common thing, forgetting to ask if something is in food, and then having to face the reaction.   It is cause and effec; as much as I pay attention, as diligent as I try to be I make mistakes.   
Things started adding up through out the next morning, to the point where I had forgotten my water, my bladder diary and my notes for my doctor appointment.  I pulled into the parking garage and felt stupid, irresponsible and exhausted, and it wa…

Looking for the stable ground

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Here I am in the doctor's office, taking another chance.  This is a really difficult thing to explain, the uneasiness of trying something new.   It took a number of months to get this appointment, this chance at "the best option."   Words that I have heard so many times in my life, not even related to interstitial cystitis, also related to infertility, to migraines, to pelvic pain and irregular bleeding.   
In my most recent follow up with my specialist, I was full of gratitude and relief that something was helping immensely.   That all the different treatments, tests, physical therapy and diet modifications had resulted in an upward trajectory.  Considering where I was a year ago, still in and out of the emergency room, this has been a huge change.  As I was catching up with my doctor and emphasizing the improvements in my life, I hesitated.  I thought do I even mention anything, do I even ask for help with nocturia?   Or do i count my blessings, and stay on this treatme…

The last 30 pages

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Almost two years, I have been working on filling this journal.  I started it when I went to Greece and it seems fitting that I finished it right before I head back to Greece.  This journal explores yoga teacher training, 40 rules of love, the Daoist Precepts I accepted as a Priest, discussions about some scriptures and the last 30 pages are what I hope will be the start of my book.  
It might be more accurate to say those last 30 pages are what it took to convince myself that I have a story worth sharing, that there is some wisdom in it that I have gleamed and that someone out there might benefit from hearing it.  
It is easy for me to write, I have countless journals that I have filled with my journeys, but it is a different game for me to say. I think there is some wisdom here, I think someone can benefit.  Writing is a state changer for me, it is a way that I gain perspective and sometimes it takes years.   It has taken almost 30 years to change my language about something, and I was…

Animal Lessons

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The day Adam and I got the keys to our old house, we took Sterling over to show him his new home.   We were so excited to finally have a backyard to play with him in, we imagined that he would be just as excited.   Adam and I had this equation in our head, outside = more space to play with his ball = happier dog!   So we took him to the backyard and let him explore for a little while and then brought his ball out.   Sterling looked at the ball, ran to the door and sat to be let inside.   In the 10 years that he lived in that house he only played with his ball outside once, and it was a shocking moment.  

Sterling had a lesson to teach us that day, let go of of those equations and expectations.  Sterling was happiest inside and so we made space for him to have his own "ballroom."  Because watching him play with his ball was the most amazing thing in the world and if he wanted to play with it inside, then that is what he got.  
Adam and I went to say good bye to the house, loo…

Sunshine Sunday

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What can you hear without noise?

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I have spent a lot of time, thinking, planning and dreaming about the moment when the pain would completely go away.  I dream about running again, the brain fog lifting, being able to drink orange juice, having more energy...all kinds of silly things.   It gives me hope, to know there are still plenty of things I want to do that I am not able to do right now, it means I have room to grow and there is still an enormous amount of passion left. When I work on my book I imagine what it would be like to be work uninterrupted without so many trips to the bathroom.  I dream about the day my husband can touch my back without wondering if it will make the pain worse.  

Monday I hit a desperation point, a flare that seemed to not be easing up or responding to treatment left me exhausted and drained.  I was sobbing on the floor simply from sorting laundry, it was hard to lay down and be comfortable and moving was not helping.  So I asked my acupuncturist if there was anything that might help, an…

1000

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I have several drafts of this post, I wanted it to be so many different things.  However, nothing felt quite right, all the ideas, all the words felt like a mask to hide behind.  
I have been awake since two in the morning with painful bladder spasms, adrenaline pumping through my body, and a little bit of screaming and a lot of crying. The crying is more about the emotions and the stories that come up, the pain will pass.  A few days of an extremely bland diet, some extra care and I will begin to see the light.  
It is the stories that stay, because it is the same ones that come up time and time again.  What did I do wrong? Really, I am asking, how do I avoid this pain?  How do I avoid the pain of being alive?  
I don't.  It is not an option, because among the hours of pain, at the same time there are moments of joy.  Feeling the warmth of my husband's hand, having him hold me, both of us feeling vulnerable and wanting nothing more in the world then to stop the pain and knowing …