I have several drafts of this post, I wanted it to be so many different things. However, nothing felt quite right, all the ideas, all the words felt like a mask to hide behind.
I have been awake since two in the morning with painful bladder spasms, adrenaline pumping through my body, and a little bit of screaming and a lot of crying. The crying is more about the emotions and the stories that come up, the pain will pass. A few days of an extremely bland diet, some extra care and I will begin to see the light.
It is the stories that stay, because it is the same ones that come up time and time again. What did I do wrong? Really, I am asking, how do I avoid this pain? How do I avoid the pain of being alive?
I don't. It is not an option, because among the hours of pain, at the same time there are moments of joy. Feeling the warmth of my husband's hand, having him hold me, both of us feeling vulnerable and wanting nothing more in the world then to stop the pain and knowing it takes time and skill is actually a moment of joy. Moments of wonder and awe watching snow fall at my parents’ house. Going to bed early because I hit a wall and peacefully fall asleep. Laughing with strangers about awkward medications and doctors’ visits and making new friends.
At about four in the morning, I started writing. At some point I became a writer, or I accepted that I have always gained perspective and healed through writing and reading. So today, I will accept that there is an enormous amount of wisdom in my story and my experience and I will start to organize it all into some sort of book. I am being vague, because I have many outlines and ideas, but today I will decide to just start, not thinking, not planning but doing that thing that terrifies me and really putting it all together.
I just keep asking myself what is the focus? Where do I point the compass and allow the adventure to unfold? I have spent over five years working on changing my focus, reprogramming my brain to look for all those moments of joy and beauty and maybe it is time to just keep that focus of dynamism, of flow and change.
Changing my focus allowed me to see the moments of joy in pain and the moments of pain in joy, however lately my focus has been on noticing both, appreciating and embracing both sides, and noticing the time when everything settles and is peaceful. Vulnerability is about being open to all of life's experiences, it is about staying in the moment and realizing this too shall pass.
Question of the day: What wisdom can you accept about yourself today and share? You can tell a loved one, write it down, tell a stranger or even take a few moments and tell yourself in the mirror. Appreciate all that you have been through and all the wisdom your experiences have brought you, own it. It is your journey and your wisdom and your opportunity to serve the people around you.