Thursday, May 25, 2017

Looking for the stable ground

Here I am in the doctor's office, taking another chance.  This is a really difficult thing to explain, the uneasiness of trying something new.   It took a number of months to get this appointment, this chance at "the best option."   Words that I have heard so many times in my life, not even related to interstitial cystitis, also related to infertility, to migraines, to pelvic pain and irregular bleeding.   

In my most recent follow up with my specialist, I was full of gratitude and relief that something was helping immensely.   That all the different treatments, tests, physical therapy and diet modifications had resulted in an upward trajectory.  Considering where I was a year ago, still in and out of the emergency room, this has been a huge change.  As I was catching up with my doctor and emphasizing the improvements in my life, I hesitated.  I thought do I even mention anything, do I even ask for help with nocturia?   Or do i count my blessings, and stay on this treatment?   

I was taught to be grateful for what I have, to realize how much worse it could be and to not ask for too much.  But still getting up to pee three to four times a night on average is a little disruptive to a sleep cycle.  So with my heart pounding, I asked what else could be done.   I asked if there were more ideas.  

I was left with the best option, regular weekly visits for three months for my tibial nerve to be stimulated and hopefully my nervous system slowly reprogrammed.  I was given some literature to look over and decide.  I had two months, to consider, to weigh the options, and to research.  To go over the worst case scenario over and over, because that is how my brilliant mind works.  Not focusing on the best case, but the worst case.  (Still need to practice changing my focus over and over again.)

However it wasn't until a few days before that appointment that anxiety really started to set it.  Remember I had spent two months going over the worst scenario over and over.  As the appointment loomed closer, that seemed to be the mostly likely scenario and finally the only scenario and I felt completely trapped.  I had just proven to myself how easy it was to reprogram my nervous system, that all the research and focusing on the worst case scenario and narrowed my vision, my perception and my belief of what was possible.  

So why?  Why this belief in the worst case scenario?  Because when it comes to my health, I would rather live in disappointment then be disappointed by something not working out.  Being disappointed hurts, it stings and reinforces this idea that that there is something wrong with me. But why chose to live in that state?  What was I doing?   

Yesterday, I spent the day reexamining the literature.  Deciding to look at the best case scenario, deciding to look at the whole spectrum of possibilities, and still the anxiety is there but the disappointment is gone and that is when the knowledge that everything changes shines through.  That belief that I always find my way back to, that it will get better, that it continues to get better and I continue to learn and live.   This is not that shiny place of everything is sunshine and rainbows, this is the stable ground of being able to observe, be open and patient.  It is a solid place to move from and to return to.  

I sit here feeling the pulses in my leg and trusting the path will continue to change, grow and evolve, that something much larger then me is weaving the tapestry and even if I end up being disappointed it will all lead to better service.  


Question of the day:  When is the last time you let yourself believe it was going be alright?  Do you find yourself entering situations already disappointed as a defense mechanism for vulnerability?

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