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Showing posts from August, 2017

Praying

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Yesterday Adam and I headed down to the Bayou a few blocks from our apartment to see where the water was.  As we approached, we saw the water in the street and neighborhood, flashing lights from a constable was behind us and we looked around at the home right there on the edge, the boys playing in the water and the families outside with mixed expressions.  It was about 4 in the afternoon, and I kind of wanted to leave, to get out. Worried about what could happen and how things would unfold.  
Adam who is a bit more grounded and reasonable listed the reasons to stay and that we were safer, so we stayed.  Despite anxiety about food reserves for me and medication concerns (thankfully nothing life threatening.). As my anxiety built up and I continued to remind myself that I was lucky, I was dry, I had power and at least I had rice and bone broth.  I would get through.
However my heart still ached, still wanted to do something, to help.  So what can I do right now?  I have no skills for sear…

Stepping Stones Aren't Always Smooth

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It feels like a first step, and yet there have been so many steps leading up to this point that when does one say it is really the “first step.”  It is certainly opening a new door and a new chapter, but in this case it doesn’t quite feel like I am also closing a chapter.  I am bringing that chapter with me.  I am bring all of who and what I am with me into this new job and new opportunity.  
That has to be the most terrifying thing in the world for me, I have no fancy piece of paper, I have no shiny board certification, I have me.  I have my life experiences, my wisdom and my teachers behind me.  I am entering an new arena, where religion and philosophy start to become science.  It starts to be tested, will this wisdom help others as well?  The scientist in me is cringing a bit, because there is no way to provide reproducible data, but I am still testing wisdom, teachings and my beliefs by becoming a chaplain.  I am testing how well will I understand and appreciate people’s worlds, ho…

Six months

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Change...it is a house rule and when it happens slowly, it is easy to forget where I was before.  It is easy to lose sight of how much progress has been made.
Six months ago, I was in my doctor's office for a follow-up, to discuss what about my treatment plan was working and what wasn't.  At that point I was still getting up six-seven times a night to urinate, I was curious what else could be done, so I could get some solid sleep.   She suggested a few things, a hormone treatment, different medication or a nerve stimulation treatment which would take time.  In a world where sometimes I lose track and just want a pill to fix it, three months seemed like a long time.  But it was still the best treatment suggestion for me.
In the last six months, it took a while to even start the nerve treatment I have had two huge moments, where I cried in gratitude.  The first was a few weeks ago, when I no longer had blood in my urine, that has not been the case in years.  The second time was wh…

Illusions

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A number of years ago, Adam and I were watching a full moon rise and I turned to look at him.  I said “did you see that, the moon passed right in between the clouds, it passed through them.”  My beloved husband, looked at me in disbelief and said “what, the clouds can never be behind the moon?”   I looked at him, confident in what I saw, dismissing years and years of scientific knowledge and said, “yes it can.”   Quickly I realized his point of view and I laughed pretty hard at myself.  
Though it didn’t stop the fact that I had seen this marvelous illusion.  For a moment I really believed that the moon passed through the clouds as if it was just a prop in our atmosphere and not a celestial body.  I believed what my eyes saw, I believed the illusion.  It can be so easy to fool ourselves by what we see, hear etc…to not ask additional questions, to fail to expand our perspective.  In fact the mind likes to fill in these blanks with drama, anxiety, hence the saying “the mind is a terrible…

Bully, part two

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My life is about to change, I have been working on something for almost five years now, and it is finally coming to fruition.  I was accepted into a CPE (clinical pastoral education) program at a local hospital and I will be a resident Chaplain for the next year.  These last few weeks are a bit of the countdown and rest period before that work starts.  
There is this giant change coming, and I am nervous, excited and everything in between.  However there are so many questions, that won’t have answers until I am in a room with a patient, until I know a clinical assignment, until I start and get my feet on the ground.  If you have learned anything about me, one I like plans, and two my life is pretty much built around routine.  So going from full-time wife and part-time volunteer to full-time chaplain, school and full-time wife, is a bit daunting right now.   
With all the uncertainty and change looming, I feel pretty anxious about the future.  Reading through the material for this upcomi…

Wilderness, my old friend

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This past month has been incredibly difficult, I have spent more time in recovery mode then I have in a long time.  I have hit wall after wall, I have struggled through work counting the minutes until I could go home.  I have ended up at my apartment door in tears more times then I can count just because of how much it hurts to walk.  Yet, somehow I still got through the month, I still managed to go to work, I still managed to go grocery shopping and make meals.  I managed to travel a number of times even though it meant using a wheelchair. 
This past month it felt like my health was going downhill again.  I had to turn down a dream writing opportunity, because I didn’t have the extra energy.  I lost time with friends and I spent a lot more time at my doctor’s office then normal.  Asking for a wheelchair at the airport reminded me again how invisible my condition is.  
However the pain is nothing compared to the lies my mind has told me in this past month.  I live with a bully, and it w…