Change...it is a house rule and when it happens slowly, it is easy to forget where I was before. It is easy to lose sight of how much progress has been made.
Six months ago, I was in my doctor's office for a follow-up, to discuss what about my treatment plan was working and what wasn't. At that point I was still getting up six-seven times a night to urinate, I was curious what else could be done, so I could get some solid sleep. She suggested a few things, a hormone treatment, different medication or a nerve stimulation treatment which would take time. In a world where sometimes I lose track and just want a pill to fix it, three months seemed like a long time. But it was still the best treatment suggestion for me.
In the last six months, it took a while to even start the nerve treatment I have had two huge moments, where I cried in gratitude. The first was a few weeks ago, when I no longer had blood in my urine, that has not been the case in years. The second time was when I slept completely through the night without having to get up once to urinate.
Change happens slowly, health returns and it takes time to learn what helps and what doesn't. Is there one thing that I can say helped the most, no. It was little things, each little thing that I tried, stuck with or eliminated. It was both my doctor and my acupuncturist taking the time to continue providing new options and doing their own work and research to be able to find something that will help.
Adam seems to get this question a lot. “So Lenore is better right?” Yes and no, it depends on where you are looking from. Yes I am so much better then I was, I know more about my body and how to listen to it. However, there is still a lot going on, I am still taking lots of herbs and supplements, I am still very cautious about my diet (I finally got to introduce broccoli!!!), I still have plenty of sleepless nights and days where walking is difficult and painful. All of this effects Adam’s life as well, when I have a sleepless night even if I am not the couch, he doesn’t sleep as well. When I am hurting, it wears on him. Understand that is a tough question for him to answer and he sometimes needs support too. He does so much to help me, and it inspires me to keep going. He makes me laugh, smile and find the beauty in my darkest moments. He fights harder for me, and has never given up; he is amazing!
However each one of the little changes and improvements gives me hope, gives me hope that I will be able to wean off regular bladder instillations. Hope that I might get to have chocolate or spicy food again. Hope that I will be able to run, without so much fear and tension. Hope that I won’t feel like less then I was before because of this condition, not because of what I can or can’t do; but because my perspective will grow and change. That I will no longer compare myself to some idealized illusion from the past and will accept every bit of myself in the here and now.
Each one of those steps forward, reminds me that life is continuing to grow and change, that I am not stuck, no matter how it feels. Change sometimes takes time, but it happens, the question becomes what are you working towards.
Question of the day: What are you working on right now, that has you feeling impatient? Can you go back and see who you were six months ago and see the movement?