Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Wilderness, my old friend

This past month has been incredibly difficult, I have spent more time in recovery mode then I have in a long time.  I have hit wall after wall, I have struggled through work counting the minutes until I could go home.  I have ended up at my apartment door in tears more times then I can count just because of how much it hurts to walk.  Yet, somehow I still got through the month, I still managed to go to work, I still managed to go grocery shopping and make meals.  I managed to travel a number of times even though it meant using a wheelchair. 

This past month it felt like my health was going downhill again.  I had to turn down a dream writing opportunity, because I didn’t have the extra energy.  I lost time with friends and I spent a lot more time at my doctor’s office then normal.  Asking for a wheelchair at the airport reminded me again how invisible my condition is.  

However the pain is nothing compared to the lies my mind has told me in this past month.  I live with a bully, and it will take any advantage it possibly can to tell me that I am not enough, I am unlovable and I am unworthy.  These past years of living with IC, chronic pain, ovarian cysts etc…are a tiny minuscule dot compared to the anguish this bully has given me throughout my life.   This bully that is fed by platitudes, by expectations, by shoulds and by misunderstandings.  A bully that can turn Facebook, conversations with friends, inspiring stories and other innocent interactions into something venomous.  

This weekend a line in the sand was drawn, it is a bully, it lies.  I asked for help, and I showed up to receive that help.  There is nothing wrong with self-care, there is nothing wrong with MY self-care.  It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s, it is mine.   

So I hope you will permit me to to share with you, my lines in the sand.  My end of the argument with this bully, the next steps into the wilderness and wake up each and every morning and say I am lovable.

It is okay to know my limits, and to turn down opportunities.  It will always be with me, that someone saw my talent, and that I do have potential to grow and flourish as a writer.  It will be at my pace.  

It is okay to wake up a few hours early to make tea and do a practice.  It is okay to take time to take care of myself and my body.  I am not “missing out” on something because I go to bed early.    

It is okay to admit I need a nap or need to lie down.  There will be plenty of board games in the future and it was nice to have my friends still close and just be near them.  

It is okay that I don’t know what I am doing.  That is the adventure, exploring, learning and growing.  

It is okay that I feel like the world is moving too fast.  There is no race and I can stop trying to catch up, I haven’t been left behind yet.  Honoring my pace, being honest is really the only way I will make progress. 

It is necessary to take this transition time and rest.  I won’t know all the answers going into this new job and new position, life is giving me the training I need each and every moment.  

It is okay to be happy and silly.  

I am lovable, I am love.  

It is the scariest thing in the world to ask for help, to show up and then to really be receptive to that help.  However there are so many different paths up that mountain and so many people willing to lend a hand, everyone is worth being cared for, including me.  

Question of the day: What is your self-care practice?  

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your blog, there is so much strength in you and bravery for sharing. You ARE lovable, always were, always will :-)