Sunday, November 12, 2017

Desire for measurements

“I wish there was a way to measure pain;” my first thought as my alarm went off in the morning. It is there and I know it is there and sometimes I don’t think people believe it.  I wish I could explain to that doctor that when I screamed during the exam it is significant, that decades of practice of left me to be able to calmly discuss what I feel.  However measure my heart rate, take my blood pressure, look at the stress on my internal organs and maybe the medical world will see me and hear me. 

The idea and safety of being able to measure pain, of being able to say “see it is a ten,” bed day is totally justified.  Is a desire to give way my authority, it is a way of saying I don’t quite trust myself to know what it right for me today.  It is a desire to be safe from other people’s judgements and lack of understanding.  The scale doesn’t really make sense anymore, because it is not just the pain, it is the stress of normal life. 

Despite the pain and uncertainty Adam and I headed out for the day; we walked in the sun and the fresh air, and to me it felt like the first time in months I had felt the sun on my skin.  That I have been constantly hustling in and out of buildings, afraid of running out of energy before my work is done.  That I take a few minutes in the morning, but the sun isn’t quite up yet and since the time change I haven’t even done that. 

There is no way to measure the pain, there is also no way to measure the joy of spending the day with Adam.  There is no way to measure the fact that he tells me it is okay to sit down and rest, that he holds me when I cry and scream.  He continues to tell me that I worth it, that he doesn’t always like it, but I am worth it. 

These are the moments that I need to be the answer.  I need to find a new doctor, I need to make the decision if I want to lay in bed or go out to the festival with my husband.  I need to decide if I want to smile through this or lock myself away.  I’m tired and worn out right now, I’m tired of being strong so I let the tears come with the laughter, I walk around and I rest and at the end of the day I hold on to Adam. 

Question of the day: What was your first thought when you got going this morning?  How did that impact your day?

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