Thursday, May 24, 2018

Waiting for Transformation


Before I start writing I take a moment to pause, to listen to my breath and center myself.  I ask for some guidance and illumination.  Writing is therapeutic for me, it is one way that I start to work things out.  It is one way that I claim what is going on and clarify the next steps I need to take.  It sounds like this beautiful linear process. 

I have been very sick, and still waiting for tests to help understand what is going on.  I spent a week at home sick, a week in the hospital and I am still home sick.  I am learning to eat and drink again, learning to slowly move and stretch again.  It takes work.  In fact, today is the first time I went outside by myself in weeks. 

It is embarrassing, to go from sixty to zero and not know when I will be back to full speed again.  It is frustrating, discouraging and isolating. However, it is still part of the human experience, and I am doing my best to put one foot in front of the other.   What does that look like right now?

I eat very slowly, take frequent naps and set a timer for walking around the apartment.  I use a lot of self-talk to remind me that it is hard to see progress sometimes, to remind myself I am worth all this extra work, to remind myself that everything changes.  Despite all of that I am still left with these feelings of inadequacy and weakness, so I cry. 

Healing is not a linear process, life is not a linear process; we are all learning as we go along and sometimes we are just left with mystery. I am in such a rush to take something and make it into something better, but these are the moments that call for patience.  These are the moments when I don’t know what I am working with, so I can’t start to transform it yet.  Right now, I am just patiently taking that step in front of me hoping it goes up but not knowing for sure. 

Question of the day:  What is the step in front of you right now?   Baby steps, we are all in this together. 

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Returning to Roots


When I started this blog, I wanted a year of pictures a year of things that made me smile.  I wanted to be able to look back and remember that in some of my darkest times I still found a moment each day to smile, to be grateful, to laugh and to notice more than my struggle.  It was vital to my survival.  Why?  Because Joy matters!

It is a stressful time right now, I am scared, overwhelmed and in this horrible brain fog.  I only can see the step in front of me right now, and it feels unsure and steady.  (Hence, I am up at three in the morning writing this, instead of working on my homework.)  I find myself looking for the things that bring joy to my life, and I am a bit out of practice in remembering to take pictures.

Life is difficult, hard and heartbreaking; I see lives change everyday as part of my work.  It is too short, loves.  Those moments of joy, of peace and even calm beg to be noticed and celebrated.  In the last week I have had many of those moments.  I got to watch one of my dearest friends marry the woman he loves and adores in this past week.  I still get teary thinking about it.  I have gotten to dance with my husband to our song in Disneyland. I have gotten to eat at a restaurant that is filled with memories of my best friend and I celebrating our runs and our friendship.  I have gotten to see friends I dearly love, give them hugs and sometimes share a meal with them.  I have received a gift from one of my friends who was lucky enough to travel to Greece.  I have received outpouring of support, love and understanding from two friends I don’t see enough of right now.  I got to see Infinity War with two of my favorite people in the world and laugh. I got to make dinner for Adam something inspired and creative.  I got to play in the sun and shoot photos of my husband for advertisements for a workshop he is teaching.  I was able to come home to Adam every night and just be held.  There are so many more moments.  

These were important to list, these are important to remember, because joy matters.  This can be hard for me, so I am writing it down.  I am sharing things that make me smile because it is easy to forget.  

Question of the day: How will you notice what makes you smile today?  How will you acknowledge and celebrate this precious day?

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