Showing posts from July, 2018

New skills

Pain is a great teacher, it continues to teach me about myself.  It sucks and I am ready for it to leave.  When I was a toddler I started to get migraines, I would scream my head off until I was exhausted and fell asleep.  The first migraine I had was when I was five, I remember screaming so loudly.  I was in a dark room and a soft bed but I kept screaming and screaming.  Then there came this thought, maybe screaming makes it worse? 

I stopped.  I got really quiet and noticed that the pain changed, and I still wanted to scream.  This was the moment that I made the decision it is better to be quiet about pain.  Which makes sense with migraines that are aggravated by noise, lights, etc... This does not make sense with other pain, and yet as I reflect on my life pain needed to hit some exterme threshold before I will communicate with another person about it.  (I used to pass out because of my menstrual cramps, and it still took years for me to say something other than "I have bad c…


I was recently talking to someone and they told me that I over identified with my pain, that my desire to communicate it was just a way of feeding the pain and make it bigger. It is a terrible thing to hear from someone that your illness is your fault, which is how my inner critic took the message.Maybe she is right or maybe I need to find some way to communicate this hurt, to be able to really look at it and let it go.
Recently things took a turning point and I am struggling to hide the physical pain.My walking has become unsteady and unpredictable, it is embarrassing and inconvenient.Right now, I have no idea what the future holds except a trip to see another doctor.
Instead of me sitting down to a cup of tea and describing in detail what the pain feels like, let me tell you what I am grieving, what I have lost.It might be a temporary loss or it might be a permanent loss, the grief is there.
I have lost confidence and trust in my body. Yesterday I needed to stand up in front of som…


Today is a really rough day, that word rough can have so many different usages.Let me tell you what that means today, let me tell you about the demon that rears its ugly head sometimes.Physically I have little energy, the pain has been high, there has been a lot of loss of function and I am tired. But all of that is minor compared to the lies my mind will tell.
Today I woke up to listening to my body scream and shout in protest, the past few days it has felt like my emotional body is just locked in that paralyzed scream.I take breaths to feel that, it is all I can do at this point.I make my juice, use my inversion table and do some quick physical therapy exercises. The mind starts jabbering, it tells me this is not going to get better.It tells me that if it was going to get better I would’ve figured it out.It twists what my loving friends and family have told me into painful daggers to back up the point that I am simply a burden.That I need to push harder.But there is nothing left.


I open my eyes and my body is heavy, I can feel the burning and tingling of my nerves and I just want to go back to bed.I toss and turn for a little while trying to find a comfortable position until my alarm goes off, but eventually I just get out of bed.
I am reminded of a backpacking, carrying the weight of the backpack, pushing the body to get to the next campsite.Those moments when the legs are so tired it takes intense concentration to move.When the only thought becomes just take the next step, that is how I feel this morning.Except there is no backpack on my back and I haven’t been hiking ten miles.I slowly cut up my celery to make my juice, send Adam a good morning text and measure out herbs for my tea.
I share with Adam that I was upset about something, that I still felt misunderstood.That is a so difficult to explain to people that do not see me on a daily basis to understand how it feels to be in my skin.How much intense mental work it can take to keep moving, to put on fo…


I have been asked many times, “what is your secret?”People want to know how to handle pain, but the truth is very few people have ever seen how I deal with pain.When it crosses a threshold I retreat, as most humans do.I have seen that retreat as weakness.You see I walk around assuming that everyone else is in as much pain as I am, and they handle it better.(This might sound crazy to you, but it is more about how I experience the world.I experience the world through a filter of pain and I am just doing my best.)
Last night Adam and I were at dinner, and he said something interesting.He said there is no way to quantify how much pain someone is in.He said maybe I need to consider how my pain affects my life.He said “I hurt a lot from my training, but I have never been in so much pain I couldn’t walk, that I passed out, I have never even had to consider if I could go to work because of the pain I was in.” I really wanted to take this as proof that I was weak, he said he was in pain and h…